“SG, when the fuck did inviting the ex to the wedding become the move??!!”

Manny has a problem. He’s a great guy, so great in fact that most of his exes still consider him to be a friend.

One has just mailed him an invite to her wedding. He’s not happy about it.

“No idea,” I offer. “Guess they think we adults”

I’m dying laughing because I could tell by his voice over the phone he was sitting on his couch looking at the invitation on his coffee table probably rubbing his forehead.

“Where’d they get that bullshit idea from?” He is clearly torn. A part of him is honored while the majority of him is offended.

I don’t know what makes people invite their ex to their wedding. The person who sent the invite is nuts for thinking that their past intimacies with the invitee won’t come to surface, even if its just in the mind. The big “What If” is going to hit as soon as they see each other on the wedding day. They may even be subconsciously hoping the ex speaks up when that time comes up in the vows (you noticed people have cut that out from the ceremony). Maybe the to-be-wed wants to make the ex feel like shit.

Most times its not done out of spite but a lapse in judgement. The person who has moved on is on a completely different plane of existence. They’re not seeing the ex as a past lover with lingering emotions/resentment. They see them as two more eyes focused on them, on their day and another gift.

Exes also truly believe that since they’ve moved on and are happy you must be in the same place. Its the reason why whenever you talk to them you ask “So, are you seeing anyone.” When you say no they go on to tell you why you’re so great and how you deserve an amazing partner. All the shit they wasn’t saying to keep you two together.

Perhaps the bigger question is : What would make you want go to your ex’s wedding?

Vengeance? Resolve? Punishment?

One person’s lapse in judgement shouldn’t be your downfall. OK, so they invited you their wedding but that doesn’t mean you have to go. Some major factors in your decision to go should include:

- How long did your relationship last?

- How did it end?

- How long ago did it end?

- What kind of friend have you two been to each other since ending it?

- Do you still love/want them?

You don’t want to go to a wedding when part of you feels like you shouldn’t be there. You end up, the known ex, walking in with that searching look on your face. You know the one where you try to find that familiar face, someone from your ex’s life who you were cool with — a friend, cousin, mother. Someone who will validate you coming: “Oh, its so good to see you.” Only then will you relax and tell yourself you’re happy you came.

Then at the reception, someone will make their way over to say hello to you. Thanks to the open bar they blurt out to the table “You know this is [Bride/Groom]’s ex. We thought for sure you’d be the one up there.”

O-M-G.

You smile graciously but inside you want to run for the hills. To make matters worse you brought a date, who knew nothing about your past relationship.

A W K W A R D.

At some point you expalin that your relationship was so long in the past and hype up your “friendship” as if the ex is your BFF “even though we don’t talk or see each other often.”

Of course I didn’t tell Manny any of this. I was enjoying his disgust too much.

…Says the Single Girl

I’m a sinner. I make no qualms about that, but I’m not as big a sinner as you’d think I am based on my writings.

I didn’t smoke weed until this year and I’m almost 30.

I only drink socially and have a cap of 2 drinks. If I have anymore than that my friends will come up to me from across the room to inspect my cup or help themselves to half of it.

I love sex but don’t have it nearly as much as I’d like. There was a period during my early 20s when I pretty much sewed up all the wild oats and more.  Now, I’m more of a “keep one man on sex reserve until I’m in a relationship” kinda girl. Every woman should have a dick reserve. It’s up to you how often you call him up for duty-weekly, monthly, bi-monthly.

Ok, perhaps I’m standing a little closer to hell than heaven but it’s nothing that abstinence and a weekly prayer circle can’t fix up.

What got me to thinking about my position with the lord was the recent wedding of my super Christian friend, Jacques.

Jacques is the son of pastors. His new wife is also the child of ministers.

Needless to say, this wedding was cleaner than Celebrity Sober House.

I sat at what I jokingly called the sinners table. We were the group of Jacques’ friends who were either single, out of wedlock parents, drinkers, smokers, bi-sexual-a really colorful bunch.

When I say this was a Christian wedding the music was provided by a praise and worship band. The “cocktail hour” was dubbed the “h’or dourves hour” during which a variety of refreshing fruit punches, lemonades and iced teas were served. I thought at least the champagne flutes would have a little taste in them. Even Jesus drank wine. Nope, we toasted with cherry 7UP.

All holiness aside, the wedding was beautiful and you could tell that the couple was starting off on a very solid foundation even though they’d been dating less than a year.

In any other situation that could have been cause for alarm or a pregnancy test but for Christians, they were right on track.

Their faith taught them that marriage is about work and surrendering your individual needs for the needs of the union. Once Jacques realized that his wife was a strong, God-fearing (what does that really mean?), caring and supporting woman that was all he needed to know. All of the hypotheticals would be answered down the line. There was no reason to test drive her or make her jump through hoops. No reason to be with her for seven years calling her his fiancée when he had no real intentions of marrying her. No reason to get her knocked up and be a baby daddy fighting over the cost of diapers.

In her, Jacques saw the blueprint of a woman that would compliment him and make his life better. This was further supported during the wedding ceremony which featured tag team officiating by the fathers of the couple.

Most weddings are done by a minister who is hired and doesn’t know the first thing about the people they are marrying. They screw up the couple’s names and go off on some tangent that makes so sense. The Christians’ (as I lovingly call the newlywed couple) vows were so moving and personal. One recurring them was the importance of them walking through life as an equal pair. The pastors asked them to face each other and take turns holding and looking at each other’s palms.

“These will be the hands that hold you up. The hands that support you. The hands that will wipe your tears. The hands that will hold your children.”

Deep.

I sat in the 4^th row thinking, “When I get married, I want my vows to sound like that.”

The words about what marriage ought to be brought me back to my own Christian upbringing: “Man and woman were created to be marry, procreate and praise God.”

I’m not living up to that statement in the least.

I do want to get married and I envy The Christians because they were able to come together devoid of the drama and baggage that most people enter a relationship with. We love to start something new with old stuff hanging over our heads.

Watching them during their first dance, it dawned on me. Getting married is easy; the problem is that most people aren’t willing to expose themselves so that they can enter a marriage.  We somehow see marriage as the end goal when it really is the beginning.

You should marry someone because you love who they are and what they can bring to your life and the union. Marriage is about the potential of a mate. It’s an investment. It takes a lifetime to see the full capabilities of a partner and often times we drag out a relationship in hopes to see every aspect of a person’s character before we feel we can marry them. What does happen is you end up in a relationship of 5 years and still don’t want to marry the person.

If you’re in a relationship and marriage or marrying that person isn’t on the front of your brain after 1 year, you are either playing around or with the wrong person.

Jacques met his wife in November 2008.

He proposed in May.

They got married last week.

]]> http://saysthesinglegirl.com/2009/a-very-christian-wedding/feed/ 15