There’s this thing that I do when I’ve stopped seeing a guy-I erase his number from my phone. Since I don’t answer numbers I don’t know I consider this to be my fool proof way to not having to hear said guy’s voice again (especially if it ended badly). Ok, the real reason why I erase numbers is so that I don’t call him in a moment of weakness, usually when I’m horny or tipsy.

Just because I erase his number doesn’t mean that he doesn’t end up back in my address book. Usually it takes a couple months of friendly calls: “Hey SG, I was thinking about you and wanted to see how you were doing.” Translation: “I miss you and want to get all in your business; this doesn’t mean I want you back though.” After a couple of these convos, I go soft and save his number back in my phone because after all, we are friends. (I know, I just threw up a little too!)

The problem with having a friendly phone conversation with someone you used to date is eventually they will try to play the friend card and call you under duress. Blindsighted, you answer the phone and what follows is one of the most excruciating conversations you will ever have:

SG: Hello?

Ex: Hey. What’s going on?

SG: Nothing much. Sup?

Ex: I haven’t spoken to you in a while, just wanted to touch base and see how things are going.

(I smell a lie)

SG: Really? Everything is cool.

(5 mins of small talk before I pull at what I think is the reason why he is calling)

SG: How’s the dating life? You still with that girl in your Facebook profile pic?

Ex: Nah, actually we just broke up three weeks ago.

(No wonder why he’s calling. Here comes the pity party)

Ex: Yeah, things weren’t working out. I tried really hard but I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.

SG: Well, I could have told you that. You weren’t ready for a relationship when we were together. This is the fourth girl you’ve ended it with since we broke up 8 months ago.

(I don’t encourage this level of honesty with every Ex, it depends on how long you have worked at a “friendship” and whether you still have feelings for them. If you still have feelings everything that comes out of your mouth will be self-serving, a sort of “Aha, good for you” kinda thing.)

Ex: I know, I’m starting to think something is wrong with me.

(cue violins)

SG: What do you mean something’s wrong with you?

(It’s good to play up the concern like you really are sympathetic)

Ex: Was I good to you?

(cue Jeopardy music…Should I tell the truth, or tell him what he wants to hear)

SG: You had some good and bad qualities.

(Decided to stay right in the middle)

SG: You said it yourself; you aren’t ready to be in a relationship. Maybe you should just try and be alone. Work out your issues and become a better person for the next woman that comes along.

Ex: What issues do I have?

(Oh way did I say “issues”? Telling a man he has issues is like telling a woman she is fat. There is no recourse or action to take it back)

SG: Yes, you have issues.

Ex: Explain.

(Here is where I try to dance around it but he isn’t going for it.)

SG: Well, I mean…you are kinda selfish.

Ex: How? Explain.

What follows is a 45 minute conversation of “Point/Counter Point”. Some times he will see your point, other times he will get defensive and turn it back on you but remember, he’s the one who made the phone call. This means he is at the mercy of your brutal honesty. You have nothing to lose. If he doesn’t want to hear it, he will get off the phone.

During this rare viewing of his vulnerability, I strongly suggest that you get whatever harbored feelings you have left off of your chest. This is liken to a solar eclipse, an Ex calling to ask you “What’s wrong with me?” doesn’t happen often so make sure you take every measure to make the moment an effective one.

No need to kick him when he is down and start bringing up al the foul -ish he did during your relationship. Believe it or not, when an Ex calls to ask your opinion about themselves, they really want to fix whatever they think is making them a difficult person. They want to be better. This is their sort of cry for help

If this all sounds like too much for you, don’t answer the phone when your Ex calls. It’s a real crap shoot.

- STSG