Last week I went through a spell where I literally consumed an estimated three hours of porn a night, six nights straight. I watched 489 video clips on Rude.com. Then when that bored me I headed over to Youporn.com, Redtube.com (as I type this my homie informs me of xvideos.com and movie2k.com, who knew!). I started with the simple stuff-amateur videos. Something about an awkward couple filming themselves then posting on the web for the world to see just tickles my fancy. I always focus more on the mound of dirty clothes in the corner of their bedroom or the fact that there are no sheets on the mattress than I do on their wannabe porn moves. Next, black porn, white chicks with super fake boobs, threesomes with lesbians for pay…You get the point.

I knew I hit my wall when I found myself staring at GAY THUG PORN. I wasn’t turned on in the least. Instead I was floored by the way these cute, packing, thugs “got it in,” literally. I’ll spare you the details but hearing the words “Yeah, n***a, you in my guts n***a,” left me speechless.

When I got my fill, I began the analytical process that I often require at the conclusion of any of my porn-marathons (I like to think I’ve learned something from the days of debauchery).

Porn does serve a purpose, whether you want to admit it or not.

Ladies, you can learn a lot about pleasing a man from porn. Not to mention understand why he wants to bend you over the balcony rail or hang you upside down from the shower rod. He saw it in a porno and thought enough of you to want to try it with you. Maybe not. Maybe you’re the only flexible gal he knows.

Porn makes men have high/false expectations for women in bed.

I’m not a screamer. So dude, no matter how hard you pound away you aren’t going to get me to grit my teeth and sound like a cat getting skinned. Those people get paid to make those faces and noises. Don’t measure yourself based on your woman’s moans and pleas to ‘god’.

Baby Oil will make the most unfavorable physique look sexy.

Don’t know if it’s the way the lights gleam off the slick oil soaked skin or the decrease in friction but the next time I take a trip to the drug store I’m stocking up on some Johnson & Johnson’s baby oil. It’s like a trip down a slip and slide with an orgasmic finish. Downside, messy sheets!

Squirting

Ladies, please don’t feel like you are a failure if your va-jay-jay doesn’t turn into a water fountain from time to time. There are some men who don’t like it (they’re the ones who hate having to change the sheets often). Men, most of the women in porn who squirt are either pissin’ on themselves (just nasty) or turned their cat trap into a super soaker (yes, filling the womb with water to push out on cue).

Now, if I were a porn star:

My name would be: Areola Cliton

Special talent: Booty Clap (which I haven’t mastered in real life), Squirting (no comment on that one in real life)

Scene Rate: $5000

Production Company Name: Big Lips Productions

I think more people should accept porn into their lives. Just a little taste here and there.

After my binge, I found a renewed insight into what it is a really want from a partner, why intimacy and passion is much better than rabbit strokes and ways to improve my tricks.

I’m good for at least six months.

- SG

Originally Posted  January 22, 2009

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