His name was Fred. My aunt hooked us up on a blind date. He was tall and handsome. It’s always the cute ones that end up being weird. He was in his 30s but had a bullshit job.  He lived in a sparsely furnished studio apartment. He refused to eat vegetables and threw out pennies.

Yes, it soon became clear that this man wasn’t the one but he did offer up one of the best pieces of dating advice that I still adhere to.

We were out to dinner when I asked what he thought about my outfit.

Fred: You look great but I’m going to tell you something my mother told me. Don’t ask a man what he thinks about your hair, clothes, makeup, etc.

SG: Why?

Fred: You have to understand the way men think. Once you ask a man to give his opinion you open up a door that you can never close again. He will continue to give his opinion even when you don’t ask and chances are you won’t like what he has to say.

SG: So I should never ask what a man thinks?

Fred: Just don’t ask him what he thinks about something you are sensitive about.

SG: How will I know if a man likes the way I look?

Fred: We’ll tell you, “Babe, I like that dress on you.”

SG: And if you don’t like something?

Fred: Men operate on extremes. Either you look so amazing that we have to tell you or you look fool and we have to let it be known so that you don’t make us look bad. If you are somewhere in the middle, chances are he won’t say anything.

From that moment forth, my approach to holding a conversation with a man I’m dating was forever changed.

Women tend to think that asking a man what he thinks is a way to bring the two of them closer. In actuality, a woman badgers a man about their opinion in order to feed her own insecurities. Women need to hear things even if it’s something they already know to be true.

The problem with her asking questions is that he isn’t going to want to lie. Men can’t lie about certain stuff (except for cheating) especially to a woman they care about so stop asking if you look fat in your jeans when you know you had to lie on the bed to get them on. Don’t ask him if he likes your new hair. Let him notice it on his own. Basically what Fred taught me was: Women, stop fishing for compliments because there’s a good chance when you throw the line into the water, you aren’t going to like what comes back on the hook.

- Says the Single Girl

I always considered moving in with someone to be monumental. For starters I don’t really see myself living with a boo before marriage, possibly during an engagement but no sooner than that. Sure, couples move in together all the time; many of them with no intentions on getting wed. Still, I can’t downplay shacking up and what it means to me.

Now that we’re essentially all tittering on the verge of poverty, the thought of co-habitating for the sole purpose of splitting the bills has entered my mind. Now that I’m dating the topic comes up all the time.

When discussing my status “do you live together” is easily in the top 3 questions asked somewhere in the mix with “how long you two been together” or “what’s his name”? Even though I’m attached there is a part of me that still thinks like a single woman. Its like on Living Single when Kyle and Max started dating. They had to remind her she was with him. I’m not that bad but close. Perhaps I should have named this blog “Until I get Married” like the homie Jozen, keeping it nice and broad, not offending anyone I date.

Back to living together…

There are two types of people in the world: those who believe you should live with a mate before marriage in order to truly see if they are the one and those who don’t. Think back when your parents were our age. Folks met, dated and married in less than 2 years. Months into it they knew this was their future spouse and they hadn’t even had oral sex or hit the backdoor yet alone live together. Still they knew…

My friend Farrah has lived with every single boyfriend she’s had, starting in college. Four boyfriends (and one girlfriend) later, she sees herself moving in with the next love of her life.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever get married so why not play house. If the relationship works and he proposes at least we’ve established a routine that works in our household.”

After living with her bf of 6 years for 4 years, Talia vowed to never do it again.

“I moved across the country for my ex. He was sweet about it. We went apartment hunting. I decorated. He brought me a car but after 4 months all the newness was gone and he thought he had a live in maid. I mean he stopped being a boyfriend and became a brat.”

Living together has become more an act of convience than careful planning. Whenever I think about shacking up one truth strikes me to my core, shaking the daydream from my head:

When you move in with someone the only way for you to no longer live with them is to break up. Period end of story.

You can’t just wake up one day and say “Boo, its been great living with you these last two years but I’m tired of smelling your farts in bed and wiping down the toilet seat every single time I go to use the bathroom cause you’ve dripped all over it. I love you, want to be with you but I’m moving out.”

You might as well had said “I’m cheating on you; it’s over.”

I had two friends who shacked up – one male and one female. When both of me told me they were moving out of their respective apartments shared with their significant others my intial response was: “Is everything ok?”

They both proclaimed their relationships were great and this was just about space…blah, blah, blah.

Within weeks both their relationships were over.

While the poor person in me can justify living with my boo for financial gain the realist in me is banging pots and pans to wake poor me up before I make a big mistake.

…Says the Single Girl

I woke up this morning to learn that the internet was in an uproar (well just black women on the internet) over Essence.com’s new men’s blog It’s a Man’s World and its debut post “The Truth about Jump Offs” written by journalist/editor Jozen Cummings.

Jozen is a friend and told me about the post before it went up. I jokingly warned him that once it went up women everywhere were going to search to find out who he was. He didn’t tell me about the subject matter but I’ve learned that whenever a man talks candidly about relationships especially sex the way say Naked with Socks On or Jozen does on his new and thoroughly entertaining Until I Get Married, women either become instant fans or haters.

Not surprisingly, Jozen has been attacked by the latter.

Jozen wrote about the rules of Jump Offs aka Bed Buddies aka Casual Sex Partners. Whatever you want to call it, it boils down to two consenting adults having sex with no strings attached. However, just reading the comments  you’d think he’d written about how to pimp a woman out and beat her into submission.

For all the hype “The Truth about Jump Offs” caused, what Jozen wrote and the manner in which it was expressed wasn’t as harsh, raw and sexist as it could have been. Sometimes the harsher the words the more likely the lesson trying to be conveyed is lost. [Originally I wanted to title this “Bitch Please” but decided to soften it up a bit. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.]

The subject of casual sex should be a candid one. If more of us were comfortable with it perhaps there wouldn’t be all this hiding and creeping around. Perhaps we’d feel more comfortable buying condoms at a drug store instead of stealing them (which is why many drug store chains lock them up. SMH!) or get caught up in the moment because we swore we weren’t going to sleep with him and end up sexing without protection.

Let’s say these women aren’t upset with the subject matter but rather the messenger—Essence.com.

Many black women are unhappy because they aren’t being fulfilled, spend way too many nights in bed alone, prayed one too many times to God for a man but aren’t doing the things in their own power to make one want to stay.

Women like these do read Essence and consider it to be their bible.

Why shouldn’t they know about the rules of casual sex?

Should Essence keep them in a bubble?

Are the angry comments coming from women who are delusional about the current state of affairs between men and women in the bedroom?

Lastly, should black women not have sex outside of committed relationships? (Please!)

We women spend the majority of our lives wondering what men think. We buy music by men talking about love and hope that one day a man will say words like that to us. We buy books written by men about finding love and hope that it will bless us with a new inside track. We talk our male friends ears off about our new beaus or crushes; badgering them to death until they say what we want to hear, “He sounds like a great guy. I’m sure it will work out. You’re a wonderful woman.”

Yet, when Jozen speaks on sex so candidly it becomes a clutch your pearls, let’s burn our Essence magazines and hack the website moment.

Let’s keep it funky, the majority of these women aren’t upset about being a J.O. I’m sure they have engaged in some nice mature hot sexy fun. What hurts the most is hearing a man say it and to have your holy grail of the black woman’s experience publish it.

They’re probably thinking, “If I wanted this type of material I’d read Playboy or Cosmo.”

To all of you, I say…get over it.

The only women that are offended by this are the ones that have had it happen to them and were too dumb or “caught up” to realize it at the time. Personally, I think this is a “straight up-no chaser” approach to the situation and that is exactly what a lot of us good women out here in the world need so that we won’t get caught up like the rest of the bitter women who are the jump offs.

Posted by: THE QUEEN 336 | 09/21/2009 at 07:48 PM

Spoken like a woman who is a realist.

Personally, I held a memorial for the term “Jump Off” at the start of this year but I still encourage people to learn how to “Negotiate a Lover”.

Ladies, be real and smart. There are men out there that just want to have a good time. Sometimes you will want to have a good time too. Treating every man you have sexual chemistry with as a potential boyfriend or husband is a recipe for disaster. Standing on a pedestal, waving your “Angry Woman’s Demand for Respect” booklet will get you no where.

If you aren’t engaging in casual sex why judge those who are or want to learn how to?

[Full Disclosure: …Says the Single Girl has a content sharing partnership with Essence.com but you’ve probably never seen her writing on the site because she’s a little too raw for the Essence audience.]

During a very heated debate with Manny, we found ourselves trying to our damnedest to pin down the order in which people meet, date and marry.

After a couple drinks, some animated arguments, agreeing to disagree, here is what we came up with:

Step #1 – Dating

You’ve announced yourself as being in the market and proceed to meet and mingle with a handful of folks.

Some you see casually, maybe once or twice a month. There are folks you like more as friends than lovers. Others who you like more as lovers than friends. Then there are those in the middle. Dating is about rotation. By the middle of the first date, you can tell whether a person you’re dating or attempting to date is a homie, lover or friend.

I like to call this the Trio. The Trio is comprised of:

• Person #1 – You really really really like. Normally the one you wish you could lay in the bed with on a Sunday afternoon and do nothing. They’re sexy and a tease. You dangle at the end of their hook.
• Person #2 – You like them but its a mix of like and a great friendship. You’re not blinded by sexual feelings and get a better sense of who they really are. This is the chill person who lets you move at your own pace.
• Person #3 – They really really really like you, so much so that they pressure you for some sign of commitment. They can be somewhat jealous. You think they are cool but know you can’t give them what you want.

At some point 2 people in the TRIO always cancel themselves out. Usually its #1 and #3 and when that happens you find yourself with #2 moving into…

Step #2 – Courting

Courting: To try to gain the love or affections of, especially to seek to marry.

The fact that this was voted on as a step (a key step might I add) kinda surprised me.

Unlike women, men feel there is a huge difference between “dating” and “courting” aka “I’m seeing someone”.

At this phase a front runner has been selected and all attention and time goes toward getting to know, impress and hanging out with that person.

Another important factor: Many women don’t allow men to court them. (I’ll be writing about this next week.)

Courting is the foundation. Its crucial to laying out the roles of the relationship and revealing your core beliefs.

By the end of step #2, if you’ve found a match then you’ve moved on to…

Step #3 – Relationship

The start to any relationship is the mutual decision to no longer see other people. It’s this exclusivity that makes a relationship different from steps #1 and #2. Once you’ve made the choice to be a one woman man or one man woman here is where the real fun begins. Relationships should be where two people work on developing into something bigger but sadly for most people, step #3 is the highest level that they’ll ever reach.

“Relationships” get a bad wrap. Most people who say they’re in “relationships” are really in Step #2 masked as a relationship.

When done right, relationships result in…

Step #4 – Engagement

You’ve realized that the person you’ve made it through steps 1-3 is worth holding on to. More importantly you can’t bear to think of them being with anyone else so the natural reaction is to want to lock them down. Depending on how much time and effort was spent on steps 1-3, the duration of the engagement shouldn’t last longer that the time taken to prepare for a wedding and cleaning up any issues lingering from your single-hood (money issues, ex-lovers, commitment issues, etc). If your engagement lasts years, chances are you’ll still mentally and emotionally in step #3 but trying to justify getting married…at some point. Sidenote: I personally don’t believe that an engagement should last years. If you’ve been engaged for as long or longer than you were together but not engaged, you my friend have some thinking to do.

Step #5 – Marriage

Congratulations, you’ve made it.

- SG

(Sorry for the spotty posts…I’m working on some things.)

Women who get hit on are often forced to answer the question:

“Are you single?”

To which you answer, whether its true or not:

“No, I have a boyfriend.”

Well, recently I gave that answer to a clearly older man whose comeback kinda left me stumped.

“That’s a problem. You got a boyfriend. What you need is a man. No real man wants to be called a boyfriend. You should be calling him your man. Ask him what he wants to be called. He’ll tell you.”

Since there was no “boyfriend” to ask I was left thinking about it for a while.

I’ve always called the guy I’m in a relationship with my “boyfriend”. For some reason I consider saying “my man” somewhat ghetto. Its cool as a rotating label. Something you throw out in common conversation.

“SG, what you do last weekend?”

“Me and my man went to the movies.”

That’s cool but to refer to him only as “my man” is a bit much.

I’ve played around with other title likes;

“My Significant Other”

“My Boo”

“My Future Ex-Husband”

“My Pipe Slayer”

You get the drift. Still, I keep coming back to “boyfriend”.

Wikipedia’s definition further complicates things:

A boyfriend is a person’s regular male companion in a romantic or sexual relationship^[1], which falls short of a long-term committed (eg. marital) relationship. On the other hand, the term “boy friend” (or in some areas “guy friend”) can refer to a male non-romantic and non-sexual friend.

Women don’t seem to have a problem with being call a “girlfriend” although most guys shorten it to “my gurl” or “wifey” (the later of which I am so opposed to).

I don’t plan on being single forever. You won’t catch me being 50 walking around calling my lovers “my boyfriend”. Most old people with sense call those they are with “my friend” thats code for “yeah we old but we still smash”.

Eventually the only title that I’ll be using is “my husband”. Doesn’t that have a nice ring to it?

- SG

Early on in most women’s sex life, they think the act of sex is limited to kissing, foreplay (oral but only she receives), missionary and doggy style. But after a couple years of playing the good girl and realizing that your needs aren’t being met because:

-         He’s doing what he wants

-         You don’t know your body well enough to tell him what you want

-         You’re too afraid to speak up

It wasn’t until I became more secure in my sexuality that I began to think outside of the box.

Finally, I got to the point where I decided to take matters into my own hands, literally. I was tired of sex without the big O. I knew that in order to bat 100% I needed to train my body. I had no choice. You too will come to this crossroads, if you haven’t already.

One day you’ll find yourself where you never thought you’d be before-the sex toy store shopping for some stimulation (dildo, vibrator, etc).

At first you’ll treat your purchase like a bastard child, only bringing it out at night. The shame tenses up your body. Even if you live alone you swear someone can hear the buzzing coming from your bedroom.

Fast forward a couple months and you are on your second set of batteries and whipping it out on a Saturday afternoon with the blinds up. As you become more comfortable with your toy(s) you build a certain connection with them. Once shy and timid you now have the nerve to bring them out during sex, with a guy!

If you haven’t had the pleasure of sharing your toys with lovers, try it.

At first you may be hesitant to bring some entertainment into the bedroom.

Be prepared for your partner to be taken aback. He may think that bringing out the battery operated tools means he’s not doing it right. An insecure man will definitely think that. A secure man will know that you just want to take an already pleasurable experience to the next level.

There are certain ways to share your toys.  Some people like to prep their boo, testing the waters with conversation and hypotheticals.

“What do you think about sex toys?”

“Have you ever used a toy on someone before?”

That is a great approach to take but I leave that for a conversation with a boyfriend. If it’s a sex buddy I just spring it on them during the heat of the moment. Always during foreplay and never during penetration. No man wants to see another penis shaped object while he is erect and already doing work.

In my experience, the best time to take out toys is during foreplay like during oral when he is down on you. Right when he is going to town and you know what you need is a little buzz to take you there just tell him…

“Hold up baby, I got something.”

Reach into your drawer and pull out your bullet, vibrator. I’d reserve the dildo for a latter date. Once he is comfortable with using a foreign object you’ll find that he will want to experiment more. That’s when you can tell him to use the dildo on you. Ladies, you have no idea how much this turns men on. I’m not saying they love it but they do love to see you being pleased (that is if they give a fuck about you and you aren’t a jump off).

Toys were made to make people happy. Adults toys are made to make you very happy. Share that happiness with the man or woman who makes you happy in the sack.

There is no shame in sharing. Isn’t that what your mother always taught you as a child?

-SG

]]> http://saysthesinglegirl.com/2009/do-you-share-your-toys/feed/ 6 http://saysthesinglegirl.com/2009/married-people-shouldn%e2%80%99t-give-dating-advice/ http://saysthesinglegirl.com/2009/married-people-shouldn%e2%80%99t-give-dating-advice/#comments Thu, 13 Aug 2009 14:27:44 +0000 STSG http://saysthesinglegirl.com/?p=625

People who are married kill me when they try to give dating advice.
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It’s like graduating high school ten years ago and coming back to your alma mater to tell the kids what it was like when you roamed those halls. All the teachers you had either died or retired. They renovated the classrooms. You’re favorite vending machine is gone.
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Once you are out of the game that’s it. Everything you knew has been morphed into what you did to get your current spouse. Married people think that whatever worked in their case will work for all the single people in the world. What they fail to understand is that their experience is uniquely different.
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There are more single people in the world than married. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce or murder. (I’ve added the latter. Been watching too much Dateline.) If you look at the numbers, married people are in the minority. Perhaps they should rally to be considered a real minority group right along with the blacks, gays and Hispanics.

If you’ve been victim to the “know-it-all-ness” of a happily wedded person take what they say with a grain of salt. Married people can’t give you great advice about dating because chances are they haven’t dated anyone other than their boo in years.

From the time they’ve been in the dating pool, men and women have come up with a new way to date or not date, a new way to have sex with no strings attached, a new way to cheat and not get caught, and a new way to give someone mixed signals.

Women who are married are the worst when it coming to getting off their high horse. Bitch, spare me. I know why I’m single and I also know that you think just because you have a ring on your finger you think you are enlightened and can address the masses like Pope Benedict. Just because you said “I Do” doesn’t give you the authority to tell me how to date. Dating is much easy to master then say getting married and more importantly staying married. If you are married you should only be preaching about how to stay married.

Marriage can only take part between two people who want to be married. Not a lot of people want to get married until they meet that person that truly impacts their life. Some people want to get married so badly but date all the wrong people. Some folks have wanted to get married since they were kids (OK, maybe just women). Others don’t feel the wedding bug until they are settled in their careers, have created a lovely life for themselves and see all their friends walking down aisle. Getting married boils down to meeting someone who is at the same point in life as you are or damn near close to it. It’s more a game of chance and luck than anything else.

I have a married friend, love him dearly, but his solution to every problem in my single life is “Just get married…”

SG: Man, I really want to go to the movies tonight.

Married Manny: If you were married you’d always have someone to go to the movies with.

~~~~~~~~~~~

SG: What should I eat for dinner tonight?

MM: I don’t know but my wife is cooking skirt steak. Can’t wait. See if you were married you’d have someone to have dinner with every night.

~~~~~~~~~~~

MM: Are you seeing anyone?

SG: Ahh, not really. This one guy is kinda cool.

MM: Show him that you are ready to get married and see what he’s about.

SG: What makes you think I’m ready to get married?

MM: You will be once you’re tired of being alone. Just get married.

The next time your married friend tries to beat you over the head with their dating tips turn to them and say, “I appreciate the fact that you made it to the promise land but on this here side of the hill I’m making due with what there is to offer. When I get to your side of the green pasture I’ll come calling for advice.”

- STSG

Sanaa said to hell with it...

“I wonder if I should lower my standards and date a black man.”

No, this isn’t me playing devil’s advocate. This is a direct quote from a friend. She is beautiful, hella smart, body banging like a benzie and you guessed right…she’s single.

Her case is like most – she is single because she chooses to be, not outright but in indirect ways that pushes interested parties away. She’s been seeing this amazing guy for months but there’s one thing about him she can’t get over: He’s white. [Note from SG: If you haven't noticed by now, I'm black and 99.9% of the people I talk about on here are black as well.]

“I just always saw myself with a black man having beautiful black babies.”

My friend is sold out on the Cosby way of life. She admits she is bougie and all too concerned with how people are going to view her that she has held back from committing to a great guy because he’s a lighter shade of pale.

Interracial dating is a none factor in my book. I believe those who are opposed to it are just unhappy in their own lives that they want to rain on someone else’s parade.

This woman’s dilemma regarding dating outside her race isn’t what alarmed me. Its her feeling that she has to lower her standards in order to be with a black man. At first I laughed but then I let it sink in. I’m sure a lot of sisters think this why, which is why many of them stay single or go gay.

“SG, think about it. The chances of me finding a guy who is everything that I am–college graduate, middle class, straight, well traveled–and black are slim to none.”

“You really don’t think there’s a black man out there that fits that?”

“Of course but more than likely he is married, engaged, in a relationship or dating a gang of women because he knows he’s the shit.”

“Do you think you can ever get over your color complex?”

“I might just have to. My guy is amazing. He treats me better than any other guy I’ve been with.”

“So what’s the problem? So what if you end up having high yellow babies. Love is love.”

“SG, I feel you but if I meet a black guy who had 2/3 of the qualities I’m looking for I’d still might pick him over my white guy.”

Discuss…

Time to Buy the Condoms...why the hell are they locked?!?

On more than one occasion I’ve found myself hot and bothered but sexless because neither he nor I had condoms. In the heat of the moment what usually happens is you start up then pause to check if you have a condom on hand. Well, when you don’t your will is tested:

“Should I?”

“Just this once?”

“Nah, I can’t. That’s not even my dude/chick like that.”

“I wonder if she is on the pill.”

Thankfully, cooler heads prevail. Oh, I didn’t say you aren’t tight that you can’t get none. You are beyond pissed but being a mature adult, you are proud of yourself for doing the right thing.

But who should be in charge of having the condoms?

When I was younger I automatically thought it was the guy’s responsibility. I’m talking young, young like teens and early 20s. Then I got to college and the RA taped them to our doors and had a fish bowl full of them in their room. My girls and I would grab a handful in jest because we were too shy to say “I’m getting some dick from this guy in my Poly Sci class tonight and want to make sure we’re strapped.” Instead, we’d shyly laugh at the various colors and tastes and place them in our underwear draw like we never plan on using them.

Sidebar…My junior year of college I lived with my then best friend. She was a hating ass chick. One day she came home early and I had a gentleman caller over, who was on his way out. She and I had a common condom stash but I was the only one who them. I go to sign him out. I come back to the room and she is giving me the silent treatment.

“SG, I see someone had sex. There are only four condoms left.”

“Damn, I didn’t know I was living with the pussy patrol!”

Ok, back to the topic at hand…(I hated that hating ass bitch)…I was saying…

I’ve come up with a clear Condom Responsibility Plan.

1. If I come to your house, you need to have condoms.

I don’t walk with condoms and not sure how many women actually do. It’s like this, I come over to your house for dinner do I have to bring my own dishes to eat off of? No, well then if I’m coming to get piped down you need to have all the tools for the job.

Carrying condoms around on GP hasn’t been my thing. However, I will stop by a store and pick up a pack en route to your house if you tell me you are out.

Ladies, stop flying off the deep end when a man, whom you are not in a committed relationship, reveals he is out of condoms. Don’t go keeping count and getting all upset. Not gonna lie, I have sneaked into a bedside draw or two and counted but that is because I wanted to know if he was sleeping around. I knew if I asked outright there’d be a chance he’d lie. I’d count and keep the results to myself just knowing that I needed keep my guard up.

What I wouldn’t do was take that opportunity to pick a fight and risk not having sex. We can fight after I get my nut. Save the drama for the next day.

2. If you come to my house, I’ll provide the condoms BUT if you know you use specific condoms, bring them with you.

Don’t throw a fit when I pull out a box of Magnums and you only use Magnum XL. You want to be picky, bring your goods with you.

3. If we are in a neutral location (i.e. a hotel, your mom’s house, club bathroom) the prospect of sex must already be addressed.

If there is even a hint that we may get it on that night you need to sneak off and go purchase some condoms or I will flat out ask you “Do you have a condom, if not there’s a store two blocks up.” (Ladies, we know when we want to jump a man’s bones so why not announce it early.)

Once we get to the store you, the man, are going to purchase the condoms. It’s the least you can do. It’s like taking the trash out. If there’s no man around, I’ll do it. If there is a man, I’m looking at you like “You know you need to take the trash out”.

Regardless of how you handle Condom Responsibility don’t get caught without protection.

Happy Sexing!

- SG

I know this photo selection is all types of wrong! lol

Dear SG,

I read the post ”Why You Can’t Find a Good Man“. As usual the information was on point. Unfortunately, the information didn’t apply to me for the simple fact that:

1 – I did not go to college

2 – I don’t have a big shot career, although I am independent and work for my family businesses.

I am good looking and I have no problem getting men. The thing is, I don’t live in a big city like the ATL, MIA. I live in a small town in FL and all the men in my area are either in jail, taken, no good, or gay (not to mention the thug wannabes). For women like me I feel we are the ones that are truly at a disadvantage because a lot of the advice given is for women with major careers or who live is big cities. The types of man we want are nonexistent in our areas.

My question is: Do I settle or do I just get used to being single?

- Small Town Girl

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Small Town Girl -

I want to be very sensitive to your situation (see I do have a heart) and didn’t want to give you a checklist of things you should do or sell you a pipe dream. I may live in a big city and my career status is questionable (keep clicking on these pretty ads and I may be able to pay my rent next month). Like you, I am single and  can tell you the same problems you have finding a quality guy is the same problem all women in the world face.

What I think happens with a lot of women is that we take the Hollywood version of what dating, romance and our ideal mate should be and apply it to our lives like “If it worked for Julia Roberts it must work for me”.

Reality is there are good guys all around but don’t listen to me. For your question, I enlisted the help of Mr. Southern Comfort, who lives in a small-ish town in the south .

He raises some good points.

-         SG

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Small Town Girl -

Some of  the things you have listed are the answer to your questions. You can’t find a man cause a good bit are in jail, gay, no good or thugged out!

In this day and time, I rejoice in the fact that a woman says they do not want a less that desirable man! So many times I spot a couple and wonder how the hell that fine ass girl is with that loser!

At any rate, the things that you have said about yourself tell me that you don’t sit idle. Small Town Girl, it’s clear you want bigger and better things for yourself. I, myself, am from a somewhat small town in South Carolina. I say somewhat because I know someone close to me that calls our state’s most citified city still country. [SG Note: That someone would be me!]

There are good men in even the smallest of towns. The same basic rule applies to women in both big cities and small town girls. Women want a man who is a stand up guy who can provide and love you.

In your case, your Mr. Big may be the guy who owns a barbershop! He might be the local firefighter or own the local mom and pop store! When you aren’t in the big city you have to learn to look past outer appearances. The man of your dreams may be a mechanic, who has grease under his nails. Should you count him out just because he smells like Pennzoil?

Another option to help in your search is a change of scenery. Maybe you should apply to grad school, a job out of state, a fellowship, anything that pays/improves you and allows you to get out of your element. When you are new to a place, it pushes you to step outside of yourself and be open. Opening up is a sure way to meet people, guys you never cared to notice before.

I hope my $0.02 helped you in some way. Don’t think any less of yourself because you are a small town girl. Just know what you are looking for might not be in the package that attracts you from jump.

If you have any other questions hit up the Single Girl. She knows how to find me!

- Mr. Southern Comfort

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