“SG, when the fuck did inviting the ex to the wedding become the move??!!”

Manny has a problem. He’s a great guy, so great in fact that most of his exes still consider him to be a friend.

One has just mailed him an invite to her wedding. He’s not happy about it.

“No idea,” I offer. “Guess they think we adults”

I’m dying laughing because I could tell by his voice over the phone he was sitting on his couch looking at the invitation on his coffee table probably rubbing his forehead.

“Where’d they get that bullshit idea from?” He is clearly torn. A part of him is honored while the majority of him is offended.

I don’t know what makes people invite their ex to their wedding. The person who sent the invite is nuts for thinking that their past intimacies with the invitee won’t come to surface, even if its just in the mind. The big “What If” is going to hit as soon as they see each other on the wedding day. They may even be subconsciously hoping the ex speaks up when that time comes up in the vows (you noticed people have cut that out from the ceremony). Maybe the to-be-wed wants to make the ex feel like shit.

Most times its not done out of spite but a lapse in judgement. The person who has moved on is on a completely different plane of existence. They’re not seeing the ex as a past lover with lingering emotions/resentment. They see them as two more eyes focused on them, on their day and another gift.

Exes also truly believe that since they’ve moved on and are happy you must be in the same place. Its the reason why whenever you talk to them you ask “So, are you seeing anyone.” When you say no they go on to tell you why you’re so great and how you deserve an amazing partner. All the shit they wasn’t saying to keep you two together.

Perhaps the bigger question is : What would make you want go to your ex’s wedding?

Vengeance? Resolve? Punishment?

One person’s lapse in judgement shouldn’t be your downfall. OK, so they invited you their wedding but that doesn’t mean you have to go. Some major factors in your decision to go should include:

- How long did your relationship last?

- How did it end?

- How long ago did it end?

- What kind of friend have you two been to each other since ending it?

- Do you still love/want them?

You don’t want to go to a wedding when part of you feels like you shouldn’t be there. You end up, the known ex, walking in with that searching look on your face. You know the one where you try to find that familiar face, someone from your ex’s life who you were cool with — a friend, cousin, mother. Someone who will validate you coming: “Oh, its so good to see you.” Only then will you relax and tell yourself you’re happy you came.

Then at the reception, someone will make their way over to say hello to you. Thanks to the open bar they blurt out to the table “You know this is [Bride/Groom]’s ex. We thought for sure you’d be the one up there.”

O-M-G.

You smile graciously but inside you want to run for the hills. To make matters worse you brought a date, who knew nothing about your past relationship.

A W K W A R D.

At some point you expalin that your relationship was so long in the past and hype up your “friendship” as if the ex is your BFF “even though we don’t talk or see each other often.”

Of course I didn’t tell Manny any of this. I was enjoying his disgust too much.

…Says the Single Girl

Long ago I decided that before I get married me and my future husband would seek couple’s counseling. There’s no way I want to enter a union with unresolved issues that could one day mean the demise of my marriage.

Whether it be our childhoods, relationships with parents (or lack there of), trust issues, low self esteem, etc. we are going to work it out before we walk down the aisle.

It’s also my hope that I find a man who is open to being spiritual. Perhaps therapy would bring us closer and then we can work on our relationship with God.

I grew up in the church and one day, when I’m done sinning I’ll go back to the church.

This raises the question:

What do you do when you’re saved but your significant other isn’t?

Scene:

Lobby of a video game launch party. SG runs into Married Manny. Former co-workers, they haven’t seen each other in two years.

SG: Manny, how are you!

Manny: I’m good. I’m blessed can’t complain.

SG: How are the wife and kids?

(Manny, 33, is married to his high school sweetheart. They have 4 kids.)

Manny: We’re separated.

SG: What? What did you do?

Manny: Why it got to be my fault? That’s messed up. You want to know what I did? I started going to church. Jesus broke up my marriage.

SG: [laughing] Are you serious?

Manny: Yes.

SG: That can’t be it.

Manny: Yes it is. I moved out and everything. I take the kids with me to church every Wednesday and Sunday. My wife not going is one thing, but my kids are going to church.

SG: Do you think you two will ever work things out. Sounds like you need therapy.

Manny: I suggested that we speak to my pastor but she thinks he’s just going to side with me because we are cool.

SG: I still can’t believe you’re separated because of church.

Manny: My wife lost her job earlier this year. That’s when she started losing her mind. This recession has me grinding hard. I own two homes, got 4 kids and my wife won’t even help me. I had to turn to God or else I would have snapped. You would’ve seen me on the news.

SG: Do you want her back?

Manny: I want my marriage back but it’s hard. I’m in church now and I’m meeting bad sisters, women who have it together but are single. I need a woman who is going to walk with me on this journey not criticize me while I’m on my journey. Marriage is about doing things together and right now my wife is being selfish. You know what she asked me the other day “Who are you seeing at the church cause you’re always over there.” Can you believe that?

SG: Yes, I can believe that. My parents married young. They partied together had fun. Then they had me and my mom decided she wanted to get saved. My dad had a fit. He felt like he was losing his friend, he was going to be looked down upon and judged because he still wanted to party and drink. It created a divide in their marriage. In the end someone has to relent or you’ll get a divorce. Either she is going to want her man back and start dragging her behind to church after the club or you are going accept her sinning ass.

Manny: Part of me wants to stay and the other part just doesn’t know.

SG: Maybe you need to pray on it. [laugh]

We talked for a while, Manny and I, in that lobby. The conversation went much deeper.

Its a valid fear to think that one day the person you’ve dedicated your life too is going to change. Maybe your husband/wife will wake up one morning and tell you they’re gay, a drug addict or transgender. Maybe you realize that you want to quit your job as a bank vp to become a comedian. Will they still stay by your side?

If I had to pick from all thee above, I’d be happy if my husband told me he became a born again christian. I would also feel pressure to confirm to a more religious lifestyle. Together I’m sure we can find a happy medium.

Manny is a good guy and I know he loves his wife. Hopefully she will realize this too before he ends up getting his bread buttered on both sides by Sis. Johnson.

Dear SG -

I allow my boyfriend to cum in me. Something I really like, and yes I am on birth control. The thing is sometimes it causes a burning feeling inside. I don’t know why it happens. Is it my body fighting the foreign fluid? Any answer or suggestion to another source would help thanks.

-         Burning Up

Dear Burning Up -

This is a very interesting question. It is also one that I can not answer; a doctor I am not. Luckily for you, I know several coochie doctors and forwarded your question to them. Below you will find their responses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr #1:

The Burning infection could either be an infection he or she has. Another possibility is she may have some sort of trauma in the vagina like a superficial laceration from intercourse. Perhaps he is a little ruff. I would recommend STD testing for her and him (Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Trichomoniasis) and a urine test for her.

She may also suffer from a non-STD vaginal infection such as Bacterial Vaginosis or a yeast infection.

Dr #2:

It should not burn….if it does, she should check for a vaginal infection. It could be a non sexually transmitted infection, like a yeast infection or Bacterial Vaginosis. Or it could be an STD….either way I’d go to a gynecologist and get checked!

There is a chance that it may not be an infection but an allergic reaction to semen. It’s called Human Seminal Plasma Hypersensitivity. It can be diagnosed by seeing if you have symptoms only when having sex without a condom. If this is the case it can be officially confirmed by seeing an allergist who will do skin testing. The most serious thing about this is that the allergy can worsen with each exposure and eventually lead to an anaphylactic response, which can include swelling, hives, and possible problems breathing.

My advice, try using condoms and seeing if symptoms improve. If so, then go see your Gyn or internal medicine doctor and get a referral to an allergist. Once the diagnosis is confirmed you can use condoms only or try a histamine blocker that will make the reaction less. You must use it approximately 30 minutes before intercourse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Burning Up -

I hope this helps you.

See, I’m more than just a dirty mouth. I help people too!

- SG

]]> http://saysthesinglegirl.com/2009/dear-single-girl-can-i-be-allergic-to-my-bfs-semen/feed/ 5 http://saysthesinglegirl.com/2009/baby-it%e2%80%99s-time-to-get-new-furniture/ http://saysthesinglegirl.com/2009/baby-it%e2%80%99s-time-to-get-new-furniture/#comments Wed, 22 Jul 2009 06:42:50 +0000 STSG http://saysthesinglegirl.com/?p=585

Don’t ask me why but I always find myself in situations where most people would flip out. I’m at a friend’s house on the couch, enjoying their cable when it became clear to me that their roommate was getting it “IN” in the other room. Being the person that I am, I simply turned up the volume and kept it moving. Hey, I was watching “Say Yes to the Dress”. There could have been a fire in the apartment and I wouldn’t have moved until the bride to be decided between the Vera Wang and Romona Keveza.

As they got louder and louder, I turned the volume up but there was no escaping — not the sounds of lovemaking — but the squeaky ass bed! With every thrust the bed inched across the floor and landed with a bucking noise. Forget the saying “if these walls could talk”, child if that bed I heard being tortured could talk it’d be begging for mercy.

Which got me to thinking…

When you are with someone, you fail to consider the number of people who have laid in the same spot you have. How many bodily fluids have collected in the fiber quilting of their Sealy. Nor do you think about the number of times someone knocked their head on the headboard or bit the pillow you have rolled under your head as they spoon you.

It’s one thing to be at the mercy of a partner’s bed history when you two are just dating but come marriage, trust and believe, my and my future husband are going furniture shopping.

As the time comes for us to make a house into a home, some things have to happen. Some time before the wedding and after the honeymoon, my husband and I will be moving into a new home. That way no has home court advantage and this union will truly be a fresh start. Either way, these things have to be purchased:

Bed – This is the most important thing to me. Once we become husband and wife I want the comfort of knowing that I am the first and last person to rest my head in this space. I don’t have to wonder what all he did with his last woman on my side of the bed. While we’re at it, throw out all the pillows and bed sheets from our pre-wedded bliss as well. There are some things soap and water can not get out.

Couch – Where you can get vertical has to be thrown out and replaced. I don’t want to be sitting on my old couch watching a movie with my husband and get a flash back to when steamy secret lover X had me bend over the arm rest. Before I know it, I’m back there getting my hair pulled then my eyes get to rolling to the back of my head and my husband is wondering why I’m not watching the movie.

Dinnerware – Throw out all of the silverware and plates. Hell, I’m even down to toss out pots and pans. No need to have any souvenirs of past lovers and how they use to stand in the kitchen in their drawers scrambling eggs in your frying pan.

I think you get the point.

Now, I know it’s an economic depression. What if one of us owns a house and the other rents a tiny apartment? We can move into the bigger space but a complete makeover has to take place. We are painting the walls, switching rooms and possibly knocking down a wall or two.

I want a clean slate.

- SG

At some point in our lives we all fall victim to the Green Eyed Monster .

One day you’ll find yourself  throwing shade (rainbow term) at someone we wished we had, use to have or will never have and the person they choose over you. If you are the person in the relationship being hated on, chances are you don’t even know about it but peep the cold shoulder, slick remarks and daggers that come for you head every time you walk in the room with your boo on your arm.

Where would we be without jealousy? Would the world be a better place?

Well, until we’ve found a cure for this deadly sin, here are some songs that capture the essence of love, longing and loathing.

Erykah Badu – Green Eyes

Alicia Keys – Girlfriend

Janet Jackson – IF

Teedra Moses – Be Your Girl

ABC – Jealous Girl

Faith – Jealous

Jagged Edge – He Can’t Love You

Fantasia – Truth Is

Destiny’s Child – She Can’t Love You

Mary J. Blige – I Can Love You

*BONUS*

Robyn – Be Mine

Very few things I’m a stickler about. I’ve learned to give and take when dating someone. You can either learn to accept or ignore or dumb them because of their quirks.

He snores in his sleep, I can get past that. He clips his toes nails on the couch, I’ll just make sure I’m not in the room. He can’t cook, hell if he’s a good provider I’ll happily slave in the kitchen butt naked in heels if that’s what pleases him (of course that’s not an everyday occurrence).

One thing I can’t get past…Men who can’t drive.

I’ve dated men who could whip it so good I’ve wet my draws when they’ve bust a u-turn with one hand. Have you ever sat next to a man who can carry on a convo, looking you in the eye, while he parallel parks? Lord have mercy. I wonder why I’m so attracted to men who can drive and I think of his ability to drive well as being an extension of him protecting me.

When I’m in the car with a man who has mastered the road I feel safe. I can sleep in the passenger side and not worry if he’s going to hit someone or run a red light.

To be clear, I am a driver. A damn good driver so I know what should be done when you are behind the wheel. To me, a man who can’t drive is like a woman who can’t produce breast milk. Another thing I compare a man not being a good driver to is erectile dysfunction. You have the goods but aren’t able to impress me with it.

Now, its a different story if you don’t have a drivers license. That’s wack as well, even worst if you don’t have a license but still get behind the wheel. Do us all a favor and take care of your business.

I’m directing this to all the men who have valid driver’s licenses and think they are Dale Earnhart Jr.  Having been the victim of a man who can’t drive my heart goes out to all the women who have experienced the same.

My worst experience was enough to make me want to jump out of the car. Whenever I was with dude I often offered to drive suggesting maybe he had one too many drinks (men always swear they aren’t drunk) or that I could get us there faster cause I knew the back roads. Needless to say the man ego wouldn’t allow him to turn over the keys. He also suffered from road rage but 9 times out of 10 he was in the wrong.

Late one night we were on the highway. I decided to dose off only to be awaken by him hitting the brakes.

“Oh shit,” he says.

I sit up expecting to see traffic, maybe there was construction on the road. There was nothing. Lane was clear for miles.

“What happened?” I asked.

“There was a turn.”

“What?”

“I don’t like turns.”

“Excuse me?” What I wanted to say was, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Plus, I don’t know this highway.”

For the rest of the way home I alerted him of upcoming turns, “There’s a turn coming up…Here’s another one…” Each one he approached with his foot heavily on the brakes. I felt like everyone else on the road was looking at as like we were in a small yellow school bus.

When you think about it, the way men and women approach driving is eerily similar to how they approach dating. Women tend to be more sensible and precautious. Men want speed and to impress.

The worst part of this is that there is no way to make a man a better driver. Try telling a man he can’t drive. Its like telling him he’s bad in bed.

He won’t believe you.

- STSG

Men tend to be very possessive in regards to women. Even if they no longer want her, already had her or never will get her, men can’t accept their homie getting a crack at it.

Some women, are the complete opposite. If a woman wants a man, especially a man she knows she had no chance of getting, she wants her girl to go for it. This way, she can live vicariously through you. If you have sex with him; she had sex with him. If he takes you out on a date it’s as if she went out too.

Why do women push their friends to get with men they know they like?

Two reasons:

1 – They have their hands full and can’t pursue the man for themselves

2 – She has no chance in hell with him

Let’s focus on the latter.

We all have the pimp girlfriend aka The Madam. Madam always tells you how great you look, wants to go out together and encourages you to talk to the guy across the room that SHE thinks is cute.

Her sales pitch is dope.

“This is my friend Erica, Erica this is Kenny. Kenny, isn’t Erica beautiful. She’s in sales. She lives in the city and loves sports.”

As she’s saying all of this in the club/bar/lounge you are blushing, but have grown used to it. The guy is embarrassed. In five minutes of meeting you he’s had Madam pull his dick out, hold it and shake it off for him. Ouch.

Against all odds you and the dude exchange information. Every step of your fling Madam wants full details.

How does he kiss?

What does his body look like?

How big is he?

You give up the details cause that’s what good girlfriends do. You think nothing of it, but in her mind she envisioning herself in your place.

Another bonus for Madam: Hanging around you and the dude she sold you to. Before you know it, she’s sweet talked your guy (who was really her guy) into introducing her to his friends. Now, she sleeping with one of his homies and the four of you are double dating.

But why would she go for the friend when she really likes the guy she presented you on a silver platter to?

Simple. She doesn’t really like the friend so if it crashes and burns its no love lost. If she was to go for guy #1 she would be devastated if he rejected or dumped her down the line.

Now, I hate to have to bring this up because the kind of pimp friend I’m about to bring up is the rarest kind, but she does exist so beware.

There’s the all in good fun and “I have low self esteem” pimp friend then there is the dark horse – the “I’m going to use you because you make me look good” pimp friend.

This is the worst one.

She will use you as bait to get more attention from the opposite sex.

Say she’s having a get together. Forget fliers or evites. She’ll call a bunch of guys she knows find you attractive and tell them you are on the menu. They show up smiling in your face. Meanwhile, you have no idea your ass has been sold on the black market.

Most friendships with The Madam don’t last. You will eventually call her out for being a pusher man or she will grow so insanely jealous of you, she lashes out.

You’ve been warned. Watch your friends and your ass.

- STSG

The recession is in full swing, which means the dating game is being forced to reinvent itself. No more wining and dining. Instead, more talking and casual meet ups.

Now that the economy is done to crap, will you rethink your criteria for a mate? I took it to my TWEEPS and got some interesting answers.

Would you date someone who is unemployed?

“I started dating someone not working. It depends on how U feel about the person. I knew him from work & knew situation.” – Prettymegirl

“I wouldn’t seriously date someone with no drive or motivation. With that being said, if they were actively looking for work I’d consider it.” – blackbarbie86

“It depends. Are they doing anything to get a job or change directions? Find a job quickly also depends on job prior to lay off, this is survival & I wuld cut dead weight when it compromises me.” – tracyreneejones

“YIKES! I’m not a patient person.=(“ – singleinatlanta

“There are different levels of unemployment, a lawyer between firms who got a golden handshake or someone marginal? If HIS unemployment becomes MY financial burden and we are only dating, it’s highly doubtful that our love would last. not for nothing but most men i know go into a man cave when their money is funny and they need some alone time” – mzahmad

“It depends on if he’s actively looking or being lazy! A friend’s bf would only job hunt between 9am-12pm each day. No thanks!” – WenD75

Your Thoughts?

- STSG

Leave it to the desperate and horny to turn a social networking sites, originally intended for recent college grads and underclassmen into a meat market.

There’s nothing wrong with liking someone and hitting up their profile to see if they are single, employed and the like. Assuming the person is your facebook friend, you should already know this about them.

The real problem with FB cruisin’ (to use a rainbow term) is stalking those you don’t know at all or know but not really.

Manny called me one night perplexed.

“SG, this chick is stalking my FB page?”

“Well just block her.”

“That’s not going to do anything. We have other friends in common and she’ll just look through their pictures to find me, comment and send e-mails.”

“Do you know this chick?”

“Yeah, she was cool. She’s actually  friend of a girl I briefly dated but recently I noticed she was looking deep into my pics. Like she’d comment on picture #118 or any picture that had me and another girl in it.  SG, you know how many clicks that is. Its like she was rummaging through my garbage. I feel violated. ”

I felt Manny’s pain and offered some suggestions.

In turn, he wanted me to address this growing problem of FB stalkers.

Folks if you like someone or are interested in getting to know them just send them a message and build up to asking them out. Don’t you know how foolish you look commenting on picture #225 or seeing them in real life and quoting some wall convo they had with someone else?

Under any circumstances are you allowed to question someoneon about their FB interactions:

“So who’s the chick who wrote she can’t wait to see you on your wall?”

It doesn’t matter how slick you are with your question the impression is the same–you have nothing before to do than watch their every move.

I had an ex hit me up about a pic of me on FB: “SG, I didn’t know you were seeing someone.  Who’s dude with his arm wrapped around you?

“Excuse me? Since when did you start jockin’ my FB page?”

Needless to say I blocked him from my pics.

When used right, social networks are just for that socializing. Stop hiding behind your keyboards and make a move.

We are grown!

- SG

Ladies, there’s a war going on and we don’t even realize it. Cougars aren’t just white women anymore. More and more older sistas are sharpening their claws and going for men 33 and under. I don’t know about you but that’s stepping into my territory.

Sista Cougars are growing in numbers and the crazy thing about them is that they move in silence. Unless you have a male friend that tells you about his dating life you’d never hear about them. For men of color, cougars are the new white woman!

“SG, these ladies might have to step it up,” Manny calls to tell me, still high off the fact his new cougar just paid for his boxing lessons. “These young ladies don’t stand a chance against them.”

This same cougar also footed the bill to for his car’s new tires and a trip to DR.

“So what’s the draw back with Cougars?” I ask.

“They want you when they want you. They value their time much more than young chicks and expect you to respect their time as well.”

I’ve dated younger men before, but we were in the same decade. I don’t know if I could date a man 10 years my junior. Halle Berry did it. But she’s a weirdo so that doesn’t count.

In the name of Girl Power I ain’t mad at an older woman going for hers. The question I do have is will she ever be truly fulfilled?

If I’m 45 and chasing a 30 year old man, coming out my pocket cause I make more than him, have the cash to waste and want to reward him for all the young hard pipe he’s blessing me with I don’t think I’d truly be happy. No matter how convincing a woman is I never believe that she wants to be single, childless, alone, paying for sex.

That goes against our body’s chemistry. We as women are wired to be mothers, nurturers and life partners.

Enough with my tangent…

Cougars want to steal my age appropriate peers. Why are they deciding to date younger? What’s wrong with the men their age? Should we women 33 and under start dating older men. Personally, older men make my head hurt. They are so set in their ways, stubborn and quick ejaculators. Yuck!

Will more and more men soon turn to Cougars? After all it is a recession and if I had someone offering to pay my expenses I’m sure I’ll be all over like Lil Kim on an operating table.

You know what, Cougars go ahead and do your thing. There are more than enough men to go around. And when the ones you have get tired of your graying pubic hairs they’ll come back to us.

- SG