I know this photo selection is all types of wrong! lol

Dear SG,

I read the post ”Why You Can’t Find a Good Man“. As usual the information was on point. Unfortunately, the information didn’t apply to me for the simple fact that:

1 – I did not go to college

2 – I don’t have a big shot career, although I am independent and work for my family businesses.

I am good looking and I have no problem getting men. The thing is, I don’t live in a big city like the ATL, MIA. I live in a small town in FL and all the men in my area are either in jail, taken, no good, or gay (not to mention the thug wannabes). For women like me I feel we are the ones that are truly at a disadvantage because a lot of the advice given is for women with major careers or who live is big cities. The types of man we want are nonexistent in our areas.

My question is: Do I settle or do I just get used to being single?

- Small Town Girl

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Dear Small Town Girl -

I want to be very sensitive to your situation (see I do have a heart) and didn’t want to give you a checklist of things you should do or sell you a pipe dream. I may live in a big city and my career status is questionable (keep clicking on these pretty ads and I may be able to pay my rent next month). Like you, I am single and  can tell you the same problems you have finding a quality guy is the same problem all women in the world face.

What I think happens with a lot of women is that we take the Hollywood version of what dating, romance and our ideal mate should be and apply it to our lives like “If it worked for Julia Roberts it must work for me”.

Reality is there are good guys all around but don’t listen to me. For your question, I enlisted the help of Mr. Southern Comfort, who lives in a small-ish town in the south .

He raises some good points.

-         SG

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Dear Small Town Girl -

Some of  the things you have listed are the answer to your questions. You can’t find a man cause a good bit are in jail, gay, no good or thugged out!

In this day and time, I rejoice in the fact that a woman says they do not want a less that desirable man! So many times I spot a couple and wonder how the hell that fine ass girl is with that loser!

At any rate, the things that you have said about yourself tell me that you don’t sit idle. Small Town Girl, it’s clear you want bigger and better things for yourself. I, myself, am from a somewhat small town in South Carolina. I say somewhat because I know someone close to me that calls our state’s most citified city still country. [SG Note: That someone would be me!]

There are good men in even the smallest of towns. The same basic rule applies to women in both big cities and small town girls. Women want a man who is a stand up guy who can provide and love you.

In your case, your Mr. Big may be the guy who owns a barbershop! He might be the local firefighter or own the local mom and pop store! When you aren’t in the big city you have to learn to look past outer appearances. The man of your dreams may be a mechanic, who has grease under his nails. Should you count him out just because he smells like Pennzoil?

Another option to help in your search is a change of scenery. Maybe you should apply to grad school, a job out of state, a fellowship, anything that pays/improves you and allows you to get out of your element. When you are new to a place, it pushes you to step outside of yourself and be open. Opening up is a sure way to meet people, guys you never cared to notice before.

I hope my $0.02 helped you in some way. Don’t think any less of yourself because you are a small town girl. Just know what you are looking for might not be in the package that attracts you from jump.

If you have any other questions hit up the Single Girl. She knows how to find me!

- Mr. Southern Comfort

]]> http://saysthesinglegirl.com/2009/dear-sg-small-town-girls/feed/ 5 http://saysthesinglegirl.com/2009/why-you-can%e2%80%99t-find-a-good-man/ http://saysthesinglegirl.com/2009/why-you-can%e2%80%99t-find-a-good-man/#comments Thu, 04 Jun 2009 04:03:10 +0000 STSG http://saysthesinglegirl.com/?p=447

Tweep David L Patrick forwarded me his great post about a topic we all love to talk about–Why women are single. I thought I’d share it with you because when I say the same thing you think I’m talking crazy. Enjoy!

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I was reading a blog that I tend to read very often by Shaun King called Shaun in the City, and he brought up a hot button topic for men and women (particularly here in Atlanta.) He was concerned about why “good” women here are not able to find a man even though they are highly educated with Masters degrees and Ph.d’s and are beautiful. He says “own their own, they are the bomb. However, without fail, they are overwhelmingly single and highly disappointed with the market for men in our city.” He says that they are falling for men who are married, heterosexual and permanently single, sorry (permanently unemployed, cheaters, dirty, bad habits, abusive, thuggish, etc.), gay (undercover gay, normal gay, flamboyantly gay) or caught up in the criminal justice system (in jail, on the way to jail, or just got out of jail.)

I personally think that the “problem” is a lot more simple than these single people know. They are “too smart” for their own good, I suppose. And as I surfed through the comments (mostly from the ladies) I noticed again some of the same problems that is leaving them currently single. I wanted to respond to every single comment but instead decided to post this blogpost.

So here is my disclaimer: You will probably be offended. Get over it. Somebody had to tell you the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts and is most times controversial. Do not try to come up with excuses as to why I am wrong. I’m probably not. In fact, I’m quite sure of it. I’m not single. I’m pretty happily married. I am where you are trying to be. So stop wearing your feelings on your sleeves. If you will listen you might be able to be helped. So here goes. This is why you can’t find a good man.

1. You are defining your success by the wrong standards

I noticed that most of the comments in Shaun’s post were saying “I’m educated, and beautiful” as if being smart and pretty guarantees you a good man. There is nothing wrong with having something going for you in the education department and chances are you didn’t have anything to do with how pretty you are. (Thank your mama for that.) So why do you keep bringing this up? Do you think that a woman who is less educated and not so pretty should get the second rate gentlemen that you are so frequently ending up with? The fact is that if you are defining yourself by these things it’s being shallow. Why aren’t you talking about the integrity that you have, the character you possess? Why haven’t you mentioned that you are kind, funny, non-judgemental? Did you say anything about being supportive, easy going? Did you let us know that even though you aren’t yourself perfect that you have identified areas of your life that are weak and that you are working on it? Your MBA or Ph.d is really nice. It is. It just won’t help you advance your relationship. Sorry.

2. Measuring Men by the Wrong Stick

While at first that seems like a double entendre, it’s not meant to be. Your problem you smart, beautiful woman you, is that you choose men by a different standard than you measure him with. It’s like comparing apples and oranges. What do I mean? Well you choose men usually based solely on those same shallow standards that you use to measure your own success. So you look for a guy with money, has at least the same level education, and is extremely good looking. And there is nothing wrong with that, except you eventually measure him by more core items such as his character. You wait way too long to start making his character mean anything to you. While men tend to look for good lookng women, they also know what type of personality, character, etc. that he is looking for. There are men who are out just to have a good time (and there are men out there doing that) but when these men get serious, they absolutely already know what type of woman he wants in most areas and he won’t take a woman home to meet his parents that don’t fit the bill. They don’t settle. Why do you?

3. Fear of being alone

My wife and I always tell young ladies that we found each other during a time that neither of us were searching for a mate. We were absorbed in bettering ourselves personally and being busy about life. She tells them to stop looking for a man. Seriously just stop dating period. Yet these women think that if they start taking time out of the meat market to work on themselves and enjoy the gift of singleness, that Mr. Right will pass them by. “My biological clock is ticking and it’s cold on Christmas!” So instead of being discriminating, ladies, you end up trying to get close to whomever shows you any sort of interest just because of fear. Don’t give me excuses on this one.

4. Looking for Love in All The Wrong Places

Everyone knows the adage, that if you continue to do what you’ve been doing, you’ll continue to get what you’ve been getting. Where have you been finding all these “winners” you’ve been dating. If it has been at the same consistent places, may be it’s time for a change. I hear you saying, “I know somebody who found her husband at the night club or on Twitter.” Good for them. We are talking about you. That hasn’t worked for you. Really, you should try finding somebody at a place where you two are involved in an activity and get to interact more than once before exchanging phone numbers. This way you get a chance to see them interact with people in action a few times. “But I met him at church!” So what! While church seems noble you still don’t get a good chance to interact with him unless you are involved in a ministry activities with him. Bottom line: you need to see this person a few times more than once in most cases.

5. Looking for Love Period

I am a believer that a man finds a wife. Sorry. I believe in the Bible where it says that when a man finds a wife he finds good.  Ladies, that does not put you in a powerless position. It makes the man do the chasing and it puts you in a position to examine and send the dirty rotten scoundrels on their way. “But what if the guys don’t come looking for me?” Well, it looks like that fear of being alone creeping back in. If they are not seeking after you… why are you chasing them? The men that you chase figure that you are desperate. He knows that he can be sorry, married, a player, or whatever and still stay in your good graces a long time because you came looking for him. When you came chasing you gave your power away.

6. Making Things Options That Shouldn’t Be Options

One of the most disturbing comments I read in Shaun’s post was a woman who said that she considered “settling for someone else’s man.” Uh, this should not have even been an option. This is like saying you are looking for a new car and come looking in my garage. That’s not an option on the table for you. I am never sure why single women want married men, even if these married men come looking for you – he’s no-good ladies! The second thing I read is that the women think that the options mentioned in the post (married, sorry, in the justice system, player, etc.) are the only options out there. This list should be your “don’t date” list, not your dating options list. Once you eliminate these guys all that’s left are those good men that you have been in search of.

7. Stop saying there are no good men!

I commented on Shaun’s post asking women to stop saying that there are no good men out there. There are good men. I am one of them. And before I married my wife, I was a single man and my wife was able to see past all the crap guys to see me and I pursued her. Ladies, if you stay convinced that there are no good men, you will continue to settle for the ones that aren’t. Keep hope alive. There are good men.  You just need to make sure that when he finds you, that you are everything that you want him to be. Because a good man is not looking for a woman that is less a good woman than he is a good man.

Now you can chew me out in the comment section below. Thanks.

- David L Patrick

Check out more of “Davidism’s” at http://davidisms.wordpress.com/

As a gentleman living below the Mason Dixon line, I often wonder why there are so many hot ass, upwardly mobile, driven, accomplished and financially stable women from the north.  A vast majority of them being single! I mean as a young’in I used to love visiting during the summer. I’d get turned on hearing that accent and watching their swag that was oh so different than what I was used to! Now, I know I mentioned the North but when I recall these memories I’m talking specifically about the women from NEW YORK (N.Y. stand up! J).

I think that one of the reasons why Northern women are single (especially you lovely ladies in the Big Apple) is the exactly the reason that makes ‘em so damn HOT. The swag that they have puts them in the mind state that they are above and beyond women from any other region. They feel they are too good to deal with stuff ladies from the south accept.

The Big Apple is the swag capital of the world (so y’all say… I believe what Outkast says “All Funky Things Start In the South”  Ha ha Yankees). Anyhow it is the place where phrases like “BALLIN”  were coined. So I think that they feel they have to find a dude that is Ballin’ and all that jazz. They over look a dude who may work hard but doesn’t have as much as the baler. This non-balling dude could treat them like a queen and she could be very happy with him.

Granted, when you live in a city where you can party like it’s New Year’s Eve every night, see someone drive a Bentley or Lamborgini like how I see pick up trucks you expect a certain level of Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous. Yankee girls, you’ve convinced yourself that is normal. I can tell you this…that is not normal.

Another reason why northern ladies are single ladies: They are ballin’ on their own. How can a woman who works hard, spends her money on all the lavish things she wants and refuses in practicing the fine art of “taking care of home” supposed to fit a good man in her life? With her status comes the attitude of “I can do it myself” or “I want it done this way!”

We have women down her who get paper but better believe when they come home from a long days work they don’t think twice about doing something that show they can and want to take care of their man cause they know he will take care of her. It’s not a tit for tat. Southern women know their role and we southern gentlemen handle ours.

Their standards are so high that most of the dudes they come across don’t meet them. Most guys don’t even get the chance! More times than not, the man they are holding out for doesn’t even exist.

You northern ladies need to come down south and get some of what we cookin’ down here. If you don’t believe me then ask that home girl or cousin that went to school down south and ain’t neva come back. That’s that southern comfort ladies, gon and get ya some. It will change ya life.

Well if you northern ladies have any questions or comments about why y’all don’t have a man y’all let my girl SG know and she will let me know.

Till next time…

- Mr. Southern Comfort

]]> http://saysthesinglegirl.com/2009/northern-women/feed/ 9 http://saysthesinglegirl.com/2009/what-do-i-look-like-a-maid/ http://saysthesinglegirl.com/2009/what-do-i-look-like-a-maid/#comments Mon, 23 Mar 2009 06:29:00 +0000 STSG http://saysthesinglegirl.com/?p=171

By: Nafeesa Saboor aka “The Style Scrybe” (stylescrybesays.blogspot.com)

I’ve never been much of a domestic. I don’t mind cooking, but I’ve always preferred that someone else do the cleaning. It came as quite and unwelcomed surprise, then, when I realized that much of my romantic life has been and will be spent cleaning up after other people. I don’t mean picking up smelly socks and washing dirty dishes. In this case, picking up after a man is much easier than straightening out the messes many women leave behind.

Take, for instance, one man I dated. I’m changing all names to protect the guilty, so we’ll call him “Sunny” because at the beginning of our courtship he always made my days brighter. He was handsome, creative, artistic, chivalrous and extremely intelligent. He was exactly what I’d been praying for (well, mostly). We shared an almost instant connection… as if we’d known each other in a past life or something. We both went in not wanting to be in a serious relationship that seemed to be where we were headed. He’d been engaged before, though, and hurt pretty badly in other relationships. If I was gonna keep this one, I’d have to clean up after quite a few women.

There was the first serious girlfriend, who decided she wanted to be single after he’d decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her (and bought the ring). There were some others who didn’t work out for one reason or another. Then, there was the one right before me. Apparently, she’d been emasculating and belittling. He had his flaws too, but I guess they’d decided they each could deal. Eventually, after purchasing property together and planning a wedding, they realized they were making a mistake.

By the time he got to me, there was quite a bit of sweeping and scrubbing that needed to be done inside his heart. He was great to me, though, so I was willing. It was a process that involved earning his trust, encouraging, complimenting, and lots of gentle handling. I’d tell him how great he was, defer to his decisions, pamper him, etc. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not THAT chick. I basically treated him like he treated me. He often commented that I seemed to understand his needs better than anyone ever had… until one day there was an argument. Dude did a 180. I was suddenly being compared to all these other women who’d left their mark and taken with them a little of the treasure that was in his chest (damn, guess I missed a spot or two, huh?). Things got progressively worse until I was simply tired. I realized that this was no longer a cleaning mission. This man basically needed a bell hop. He’d packed the worst of his heart’s mess into a bunch of baggage and seemed to need help toting the load. Needless to say, I made my exit, but not before suggesting professional help. I’ll tidy up a little, but carry some woman’s second-hand baggage is something I simply won’t do.

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Think you can top this story or do you have a unique viewpoint you’d like to share with the single masses?

STSG wants to hear from you!

Send submissions to Single Girl Notes (at) Gmail (dot) com

- SG