Now That You’re Married, Want To Date Me?
A couple months ago, I got a new phone. Good bye team blackberry, hello android.
The only thing that sucked about ditching my blackberry was losing BBM. You know, the easy way to talk to people you don’t really want to talk to. After a week, I realized that without BBM I had to actually call folks to see how they were doing. I decided to call “Derek”. He and I had gone on a couple dates years back, we could never get on the same pageas far as our timing but we remained flirty friends. I entered his name into the keypad and as it dialed I noticed the his avatar was that of a kid.
Derek: Hey SG! What’s going on?
SG: Nothing much. I don’t have BBM anymore so I just wanted to call and see how you are doing.
Derek: I’m good.
SG: I just got this phone but I see when you call it shows your FB profile photo and a kid showed up. Did you have a kid?
Derek: Yeah, I did.
SG: When did this happen. That’s a kid, like walking, talking.
Derek: [Laughs.] He’s 11 months old.
Backstory: Derek and I had gone on a couple dates but never really connected. He was one of those guys who does everything right. Owns a home, good job, was planning for his future family. So when he told me he had a baby, naturally I knew that meant….
SG: So, you’re married?
Derek: Yeah. I’m married.
SG: Congrats! (I really was happy for him. There was nothing going on between us)
Derek: Yeah, thanks.
Now, since it was after 10:00pm and I know better than to call a married man after that hour (unless it’s family or an emergency), I tried to get off the phone.
SG: Well, I just wanted to see how you were doing.
Derek: Why you rushing off the phone? I want to know what’s going on with you.
SG: I’m good.
Derek: We need to get up, I haven’t seen you in forever.
SG: Yeeaaahhh, it’s been a while. What do you have in mind?
Derek: I don’t know. Maybe we can link up this week after work. I can come pick you up from your job. We can do dinner and I can take you home.
*Cue record scratching*
Is this man asking me out on a date minutes after telling me he is married with a kid?
Yes, ladies and gents. He was.
I’ll give you the cliff notes:
I didn’t believe that he was for real so I didn’t refuse or oblige. I thought it would go away on it’s one. Four days later he texts me.
Derek: Hey, are you ready for tonight?
SG: Huh?
Derek: I got it all planned. Dinner in the city and I’ll take you back home.
SG: Wait…are you really married?
Derek: Yes, is that going to be a problem?
SG: No, I’m glad you are married.
Derek: I was waiting for you but you weren’t ready.
I’m not going to address that…
SG: What does your wife have to say about this?
Derek: What, I can’t have friends?
I didn’t respond.
I thought about what had transpired.
Initially, I took offense. What made this guy think that I would be his mistress? It’s funny how men try to rub marrying you in your face after they’ve married someone else. But, then I remembered what Queen Mother Oprah said. People try to test your boundaries and it is up to you to put them in place. I wasn’t having it!
Sure, I’m single but I’m not desperate and while he wasn’t doing a good job of hiding his true intentions, I was not about to have a married man wine and dine me and try to get some of this cookie for dessert.
I’ll be honest, there was a time when I would have considered it. I would have sat across from him at dinner and tell myself “his wife is so wack.” Beside, in the mind of an insecure women it has to be his wife’s fault that he wants to take me out. He must only be with her for the kid.
Many women do this and they do it because they think it is what they deserve. Women also do this because women love to attack other women (that’s another story).
Needless to say, I erased his number.
Cute kid though.
Starrla
Monday, 25th July 2011 at 3:12 PM
Men really just DON’t care! Similar story happened where this guy invites me to do lunch…this is before I found out he was engaged with three kids. Once I asked him about it he says I shouldn’t jump to conclusions and still have lunch…UM NO! Attached men can’t cheat with me because I’d annoy every last nerve in their body. Him: “You want to do dinner?” Me: “Are you bringing your wife and child too?” It’s not flying with me at all.
Tom
Thursday, 28th July 2011 at 4:41 PM
Some men do care, but there are plenty that don’t.
The men that are married are looking for a no strings kind of relationship, without complications.
I’m now single after losing my wife to cancer; I hear a lot of stories from women, because I listen and am interested.
Avinash kumar
Sunday, 14th August 2011 at 7:11 AM
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Tiffany
Wednesday, 17th August 2011 at 5:01 PM
WTH with the last response. Anyhoo, yeah I have had a few married friends try to put me in that box and I was like no. And I have also had married men that honestly just wanted to remain friends. Either way the wife is going to hate your guts.
Peace, Love and Chocolate,
Tiffany
Elle
Sunday, 25th September 2011 at 8:41 PM
Good for you being the bigger person. I feel bad for his wife… and kid.
Meh…
Boys are effortlessly dumb.
AshleyRobin
Saturday, 5th November 2011 at 11:19 PM
Hold up. That’s a really rediculous first impression. Don’t you think you jumped the gun in assuming he wanted to fuck you?
Not every man thinks with his lower head. There’s nothing wrong with having casual dinner with a friend to catch up. I do it plenty, we call them “lunch” or “dinner dates”.
Does this mean we’re all being unfaithful? No. It does not. And you just spontaneously assuming you’re correct in his wanting a fuck buddy is completely immature on your part. Unless he came straight out and tried to make an obvious move on you, think for a moment that any “suggestions” he made could have just all been in own mind, based on the assumption you made.
end rant/
Jason Lemieux
Monday, 28th November 2011 at 9:03 PM
@AshleyRobin
Mmm, I’d qualify your point. I agree that it’s pointless and juvenile to decree that married men should be forever forbidden from having lunch or dinner with a non-wife female. But in this context, the repetitive “I can take you home” sounds meant to set himself up to be invited inside.
From what I read it’s not unreasonable to consider the notion that he wants to have sex and, because he’s married, he’s not into dating and seeing if it pans out. Whether it’s reasonable to just delete his number without explicitly making sure of his intentions is, of course, another matter–totally with you on that one.
But there is zero wrong with thinking with your lower head; i.e., being attracted to/wanting to have sex with people without a bunch of wonderful emotional commitment and time spent peering deep into their heart. Women do it too and they’d hook up more often if they didn’t have to deal with feeling like/being labeled a slut. One shouldn’t conflate that with cheating on one’s wife, which is a matter of integrity.
AshleyRobin
Monday, 28th November 2011 at 9:09 PM
Setting himself up?
Or he could be offering her a ride to be polite. Chivalry isn’t a dead art, you know.
My guy friends offer me rides all the time with nothing to tip off the intention of wanting to come in.
Besides, if she did happen to invite him in, that’d be her fault, not his.
AshleyRobin
Monday, 28th November 2011 at 9:29 PM
And reading the above comments makes me angry, due to the fact that it seems like all these women have this childlike mentality that all men are the same.
Newsflash ladies: I have been in relationships with plenty of women who do worse things than men.
It’s on both ends of the spectrum, and I have no idea why my gender has to jump on the “hate men” bandwagon. At least MEN don’t start slandering women based on sexual promiscuity. About the only time you’d hear a man insult a woman is when his feelings/pride is hurting. If you criticize his ability to provide for your family, expect him to lash back with something that hurts your feelings, as well.
I’m going to wrap up this rant by saying that women have to me one of the dumbest bunch of hypocrites I have ever had to deal with, and I’m ashamed to be a part of their world.
kingsley
Friday, 13th January 2012 at 1:36 PM
what was ther Sister doing calling a married guy that late? Hum!. We get to hear this tales every other day. truth is the world is come a long way, and its not about to change just because you inaccurately concluded that your friend had plans. If it was that simple shouldnt you be married then? You know what if you had needed some assistance and he had helped out then he wouldnt be the animal? i think you should just wake up and smell the coffee. Sex is always being the issue for women but not taking your dollars and i wonder why>
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Friday, 23rd March 2012 at 2:54 AM
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