Now That You’re Married, Want To Date Me?


A couple months ago, I got a new phone. Good bye team blackberry, hello android.

The only thing that sucked about ditching my blackberry was losing BBM. You know, the easy way to talk to people you don’t really want to talk to. After a week, I realized that without BBM I had to actually call folks to see how they were doing. I decided to call “Derek”. He and I had gone on a couple dates years back, we could never get on the same pageas far as our timing but we remained flirty friends. I entered his name into the keypad and as it dialed I noticed the his avatar was that of a kid.

Derek: Hey SG! What’s going on?

SG: Nothing much. I don’t have BBM anymore so I just wanted to call and see how you are doing.

Derek: I’m good.

SG: I just got this phone but I see when you call it shows your FB profile photo and a kid showed up. Did you have a kid?

Derek: Yeah, I did.

SG: When did this happen. That’s a kid, like walking, talking.

Derek: [Laughs.] He’s 11 months old.

Backstory: Derek and I had gone on a couple dates but never really connected. He was one of those guys who does everything right. Owns a home, good job, was planning for his future family. So when he told me he had a baby, naturally I knew that meant….

SG: So, you’re married?

Derek: Yeah. I’m married.

SG: Congrats! (I really was happy for him. There was nothing going on between us)

Derek: Yeah, thanks.

Now, since it was after 10:00pm and I know better than to call a married man after that hour (unless it’s family or an emergency), I tried to get off the phone.

SG: Well, I just wanted to see how you were doing.

Derek: Why you rushing off the phone? I want to know what’s going on with you.

SG: I’m good.

Derek: We need to get up, I haven’t seen you in forever.

SG: Yeeaaahhh, it’s been a while. What do you have in mind?

Derek: I don’t know. Maybe we can link up this week after work. I can come pick you up from your job. We can do dinner and I can take you home.

*Cue record scratching*

Is this man asking me out on a date minutes after telling me he is married with a kid?

Yes, ladies and gents. He was.

I’ll give you the cliff notes:

I didn’t believe that he was for real so I didn’t refuse or oblige. I thought it would go away on it’s one. Four days later he texts me.

Derek: Hey, are you ready for tonight?

SG: Huh?

Derek: I got it all planned. Dinner in the city and I’ll take you back home.

SG: Wait…are you really married?

Derek: Yes, is that going to be a problem?

SG: No, I’m glad you are married.

Derek: I was waiting for you but you weren’t ready.

I’m not going to address that…

SG: What does your wife have to say about this?

Derek: What, I can’t have friends?


I didn’t respond.


I thought about what had transpired.

Initially, I took offense. What made this guy think that I would be his mistress? It’s funny how men try to rub marrying you in your face after they’ve married someone else. But, then I remembered what Queen Mother Oprah said. People try to test your boundaries and it is up to you to put them in place. I wasn’t having it!

Sure, I’m single but I’m not desperate and while he wasn’t doing a good job of hiding his true intentions, I was not about to have a married man wine and dine me and try to get some of this cookie for dessert.

I’ll be honest, there was a time when I would have considered it. I would have sat across from him at dinner and tell myself “his wife is so wack.” Beside, in the mind of an insecure women it has to be his wife’s fault that he wants to take me out. He must only be with her for the kid.

Many women do this and they do it because they think it is what they deserve. Women also do this because women love to attack other women (that’s another story).

Needless to say, I erased his number.

Cute kid though.


16 Responses to “Now That You’re Married, Want To Date Me?”

  1. Men really just DON’t care! Similar story happened where this guy invites me to do lunch…this is before I found out he was engaged with three kids. Once I asked him about it he says I shouldn’t jump to conclusions and still have lunch…UM NO! Attached men can’t cheat with me because I’d annoy every last nerve in their body. Him: “You want to do dinner?” Me: “Are you bringing your wife and child too?” It’s not flying with me at all.

  2. Some men do care, but there are plenty that don’t.

    The men that are married are looking for a no strings kind of relationship, without complications.

    I’m now single after losing my wife to cancer; I hear a lot of stories from women, because I listen and am interested.

  3. I’m 21 year old boy and i want a girl for relationship,if you are inrested than call me on 8103515908

  4. WTH with the last response. Anyhoo, yeah I have had a few married friends try to put me in that box and I was like no. And I have also had married men that honestly just wanted to remain friends. Either way the wife is going to hate your guts.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,

  5. Good for you being the bigger person. I feel bad for his wife… and kid.


    Boys are effortlessly dumb.

  6. Hold up. That’s a really rediculous first impression. Don’t you think you jumped the gun in assuming he wanted to fuck you?

    Not every man thinks with his lower head. There’s nothing wrong with having casual dinner with a friend to catch up. I do it plenty, we call them “lunch” or “dinner dates”.

    Does this mean we’re all being unfaithful? No. It does not. And you just spontaneously assuming you’re correct in his wanting a fuck buddy is completely immature on your part. Unless he came straight out and tried to make an obvious move on you, think for a moment that any “suggestions” he made could have just all been in own mind, based on the assumption you made.

    end rant/

  7. @AshleyRobin

    Mmm, I’d qualify your point. I agree that it’s pointless and juvenile to decree that married men should be forever forbidden from having lunch or dinner with a non-wife female. But in this context, the repetitive “I can take you home” sounds meant to set himself up to be invited inside.

    From what I read it’s not unreasonable to consider the notion that he wants to have sex and, because he’s married, he’s not into dating and seeing if it pans out. Whether it’s reasonable to just delete his number without explicitly making sure of his intentions is, of course, another matter–totally with you on that one.

    But there is zero wrong with thinking with your lower head; i.e., being attracted to/wanting to have sex with people without a bunch of wonderful emotional commitment and time spent peering deep into their heart. Women do it too and they’d hook up more often if they didn’t have to deal with feeling like/being labeled a slut. One shouldn’t conflate that with cheating on one’s wife, which is a matter of integrity.

  8. Setting himself up?
    Or he could be offering her a ride to be polite. Chivalry isn’t a dead art, you know.
    My guy friends offer me rides all the time with nothing to tip off the intention of wanting to come in.

    Besides, if she did happen to invite him in, that’d be her fault, not his.

  9. And reading the above comments makes me angry, due to the fact that it seems like all these women have this childlike mentality that all men are the same.

    Newsflash ladies: I have been in relationships with plenty of women who do worse things than men.

    It’s on both ends of the spectrum, and I have no idea why my gender has to jump on the “hate men” bandwagon. At least MEN don’t start slandering women based on sexual promiscuity. About the only time you’d hear a man insult a woman is when his feelings/pride is hurting. If you criticize his ability to provide for your family, expect him to lash back with something that hurts your feelings, as well.

    I’m going to wrap up this rant by saying that women have to me one of the dumbest bunch of hypocrites I have ever had to deal with, and I’m ashamed to be a part of their world.

  10. what was ther Sister doing calling a married guy that late? Hum!. We get to hear this tales every other day. truth is the world is come a long way, and its not about to change just because you inaccurately concluded that your friend had plans. If it was that simple shouldnt you be married then? You know what if you had needed some assistance and he had helped out then he wouldnt be the animal? i think you should just wake up and smell the coffee. Sex is always being the issue for women but not taking your dollars and i wonder why>

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  13. LOL @ “Queen Mother Oprah”

    …sigh, they’re hopeless.

  14. Well, to me, any man who is married and out there approaching women for dates has said there are two people he doesn’t love or respect: you or the wife. The wife may have to put up with that selfish jerk for better or for worse, but a single woman doesn’t. So I say run far far away from philanderers. The only thing worse than a homewrecker is a child molester. Yes, that’s harsh but it’s the truth and everyone knows it.

  15. As a single guy who has been playfully flirted with, approached and yes, propositioned by married women, I’d have to say that that ratio is a lot closer than people let on. Yeah, there are many males who have no regard, couth or scruples and are willing to imply continue acting on their impulses of singledom after they are married… but in truth, for many guys, it’s NOT about looking for a mistress.

    Somewhere along the lines there developed this idea that your spouse/significant other is supposed to be your “everything”…she’s all the ‘woman’ you need, the only woman you are supposed to find fascinating, the top female you are naturally meant to be inclined to spend time with, as well as mother of your kids, partner in relation and primary, if not exclusive sexual partner. I say to you now that this is bullsh***

    Let me get this straight: after you marry someone, automatically, your signals and receptors for attraction to others are supposed to “turn off”, and it’s a crime if—gasp—you find some other woman or women a joy to be around? And if this doesn’t occur, a man is somehow a bad person or partner…

    Let me ask you this: after a woman marries a man, does she automatically “stop” wanting to be seen as attractive by other males?

    I don;t think so. Nor do I think it makes her a “bad woman” for feeling as such. Why? because one’s duty, obligation, emotional connection in the majority and priority rests with their spouse, yes…but that DOES NOT mean that there is never going to be any opposite sex member who DOESN’T appeal to them mentally , physically or emotionally whom they can “vibe” with. Taking all that into context, it is not BEYOND REASON to think a guy might want the pleasure of a woman’s company other than his spouse without wanting her company to be “sensually, explicitly pleasurable”, if you catch my meaning.

    The reason;s for this vary.

    1] Most committed or married couples met via normal friend-assisted mate selection rituals, i.e., through dating. In the course of a n adult life, the number of possible partners a person can see can be quite enormous; think how many opposite sex people were in your class in high-school… then college… then working at your various jobs… kinda large, right?

    Now take into account how many of these you found even nominally attractive, and could have had a casual friendship with; reason for attraction is irrelevant—they could have been cute, beautiful, quirky, funny, smart, athletic, talented, strong, really friendly, whatever— fact remains, on some level, you more than likely noticed more than one person. Now, once you get a “steady”, usually that person becomes your “consuming thought”…but that doesn;t mean your draws to the others just disappears. they just become less noticeable in the face of mutually shared emotion with another person.

    this same thing happens with married couples; just cause your married doesn’t mean you;;re going to be SO into your mate that all others fade from existence. this brings us to…

    2] Differing emotional needs. It is a LARGE fallacy that EVERY EMOTIONAL NEED can be met by your mate. Yes, you expect your mate to be your core rock, especially in the hard times or the good times…but that doesn’t mean that they are going to be the person fit for every situation. Let’s say you have a diverse couple, one very extrovert, the other introvert. they vibe well, connect emotionally, the sex is good & they share similar goals, so their relationship is full and successful, despite core personality differences. Although they may compliment each other in many ways, they would directly oppose their mates in others. Or, maybe they have diverse interests. Maybe their way of thinking is so different, while they can love their mate dearly, wholeheartedly and fiercely, they won;t be able to fully “get” where he/she is coming from on particular issues. If something like that happens, and you need the opinion/advice/regard/point of view of a trusted individual from the opposite sex…who do you turn to? in an instance like that, your mate can;t serve that purpose. worse yet, what if the issue you;re having IS with your mate, but you need another guy/girl’s thoughts on how to broach it?
    Is it not sensible that having a friend or friends of the opposing gender would prove beneficial here?

    the whole issue of marital conflict aside, there is another interesting dynamic:

    3] Stiffing. There IS something such as too much of a good thing. you can love a person to death, but when you spend every waking minute with them, not only does the magic and mystery begin to fade, but they can actually begin to bug you. beyond that, it could be assumed that, prior to the long-term relationship, both individuals had SOME contact [hopefully healthy] with a variety of e members of the opposite sex. This interaction not only kept their lives full, interesting and balanced,t but probably helped to make them the richer individuals whom their spouses fell in love with. Now, while those friendships may, and probably should, change, does it mean that they have to end?

    If you met me KNOWING I dated a lot and was still close friends with some of my exes but have , by their admission, never been unfaithful, why would you, as my wife, feel threatened by their presence? or if a guy knows his girl loves dancing and he has 2 left feet, but she has friends she cha-chas with regularity, should he then become suspicious because she’s out with them?

    I think the root of this question is:

    Is it so unbelievable or possibly , should it be seen as “a crime” that attached individuals can and actually may want to spend time with friends of the opposite sex (without intending to sleep with them)?

    I don’t think so.

    Yes, we know there are always going to be people who want to get something extra on the side. Personally I see nothing truly “wrong” with this, once there is no victim…i.i., when all parties involved, spouses, S.O., dating partners, whomever, are FULLY AWARE of what’s going on and agree to it. You can call it dating, you can call it poly-amoury, you can call it an open marriage, swinging, whatever… it may not be for everybody. however, there is no denying that for many people it does work, and that that level of honesty is far more functional and honorable because there’s no sneaking around and everyone’s intentions are on the table, be they just casual friendship, really deep but non-romantic/non-erotic connection with another person(s) outside the monogamous relationship, or extra sexual gratification and variety for both partners. there is just as easily something to be said for keeping an interaction like a sanctuary…but I disagree with the “no opposite sex interaction ever” school of thought because it’s just ridiculous, as well as being impractical.

    If you got the sense this guy was propositioning you and being an asshole, then kudos; male or female, a perso like that should be shut down. If someone else might GENUINELY want to keep you as a friend despite having a wife, then my advice to you would be meet the wife, make your positions clear, and if you value the person, don;t broach [too much] suspicion. Believe it or not, there are some guys who simply enjoy hanging around with decent, intelligent, beautiful women who just happen to be more “home girl” than “the girl i’m going home to”. And frankly I believe this society would be a lot better if we got to a point where we could tell that difference.



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