The Birth Control Blues

birth control

Over the holidays I hosted a get together at my house. It was a great mix of friends and family. As I hopped from room to room, checking on my guests and their needs, I overheard some starling words:

“When SG was on birth control, she lost a lot of weight.”

Imagine my shock and horror.

“Mom, are you talking about me and birth control…in a room full of people…at a party?!?!”

“What? They all know you. It wasn’t like that SG. Relax”

How was it not “like that”?

On one side of her sat my oblivious father. On her left was my BFF. The two of them have no shame and apparently had been discussing weight gain. How my BFFs expanding waistline tiggered my mother’s memory of when I wore the patch. I hearted the patch until my GYN called to tell me: “As your Dr it’s my responsibilty to tell you that the patch has lead to some deaths.” Thanks Doc.

My and my patch were instant friends. We agreed that I’d only wear her in the butt/tummy/upper thigh area. We’d seen girls in the summer time with it patch pasted to this should blade for all the world to see. Its one thing for someone to discover you’re ingesting the pill. That takes some slacking on your part — an open purse, a packet let on the bathroom sink or nightstand. But with the patch, the moment someone saw the nude tone (that wasn’t black nude by any means) on your skin they instantly knew “She fucking.”

For the record it wasn’t just the birth control that lead to me shedding pounds. When I was on b.c., my skin glowed…literally. Makeup people in department stores would stop to tell me how beautiful my skin was. I had my jones at the time rub my cheeks to see if I had on makeup. My radiance, and the attention it got, lead me to feel super sexy. In turn I went to the gym, hired a personal trainer and even went vegan for a brief stint.

As the lbs melted away, I felt more sexy which lead to super hot sex with my jones. It was a beautiful cycle.

The biggest drawback was the freaking mood swings. I would cry at the drop of a dime. Once I broke out into a snot cry during sex. He had said something about “not being able to do this” talking about a position and I thought he was dumping me in mid-stroke. Hysterics, waterfalls and even the “I’m crying so much I have to suck up air like I’m a four year old.” Poor fella didn’t know what hit him.

I’m no longer on b.c. due to medical reasons and needless to say I’ve gained some weight. I’m no fail whale but I can stand to lose some weight. I realized I was slipping when one night I realized that I was watching The Biggest Loser while eating ice cream.

With age I have matured into what I like to call my “woman body”. I’m soft and curvy in all the right places. its funny, since I do this blog anonymously people tend to think I’m some stick figure chick, light skinned with long hair. Au contrare. While many admire my woman body I a few pounds past my comfort level. My knees hurt when I’m in heels for too long. I can eat a cookie and feel the weight gain instantly.

Now that I’m close to 30 (gasp!) I hear my mother in my head. “Your not getting any younger so get it together before your metabolism crawls to a snails pace.”

I plan on getting back to my “when I was on birt control” body minus the birth control. I also plan on letting my sex appeal ooze out of every pore of my body and embrace the stares I get instead of diverting my eyes.

Now if there was a pill that just made my skin glow like a lighttower and my boobs plump like I’m lactating so I can prance around without a bra and go make-up less.

Ah…to dream.

…Says the Single Girl

8 Responses to “The Birth Control Blues”

  1. I wish my skin glowed! Pills don’t do that for me, but they don’t make me cry either. I actually feel more balanced when I take them — a little bit of hormone each day.

    Friends of mine have tried the depo shot and had the “cry at the drop of the hat” thing you’re talking about. I think I’ll pass on that.

  2. I have tried it all Depo shot I gained 60 lbs. Went from 115lbs to 175lbs. (still fighting to lose all of it) Pills were ok but i forget to take them, now back on the Ring. Will cry at the drop of a dime.

  3. or how about keeping your legs closed

  4. Or how about getting the hell out of here since no one asked you.

  5. OMG…I am sorry you can’t use birth control right now…I use it not just for staying preggers free but just cause I can handle my period without it. I have terrrrrrriiiiiiibbbblllle cramps. My mother recalls hearing me pounding on stuff in my room because of cramps…and I would take way too many tylenol…It has helped with my skin but not as much as I would like…and I also love what it does to my boobs…but I don’t see a difference in weight…I think the personal trainer thing helped…I learn that the only form of BC that really makes you gain is the shot…but lose??? Yeah doubt it since they make you crave carbs. Anyway…good luck to finding the sexy you again…and I am glad to know there is someone else who is secretive of the BC…I don’t tell people either… even though I am grown enough to “be f*cking*” without someone being like OMG!!!!

  6. OH yeah my emotions weren’t the crying thing…I get more pissed off then crying…I can cry now at a drop of a dime but that has more to do with my beau being in Kuwait

  7. my first experience on the pill in high school was bad. i became EXTREMELY fatigued for no reason. i literally fell asleep everywhere: on the bus, under the dryer at the salon, in class, etc. i told my doc, switched pills, and was fine.

    i refused to try anything other than the pill because i’d heard horror stories about depo. when the patch and nuvaring came along i was uber-skeptical so i stuck to the pill until seasonale came along. i have the WORST MENSTRUAL CYCLES EVER so shaving a *few* off is the best option a girl like me can have. i stopped BC after my ex and i ended our relationship and i’ve heard/read criticisms of seasonale but i never had any problems and would gladly get back on it today or tomorrow :]

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