You’re Single Until You’re Married


Folks ask me all the time, “SG what are you going to do when you start dating someone. Will you still be ‘says the single girl’”?

My response: “Yes!”

“But you won’t be single” they say.

“Yes the hell I will be. You are single until you are married.”

Very few people understand what I mean by this. I’ve said it a thousand times before. Dating is an interview process. Marriage is the real commitment.

Women tend to treat a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship like a marriage and then get hurt when he decides she isn’t the one and to keep looking. Actually, women get defensive, indigent, insulted. Men take a more wait and see approach.

My aunt always told me the best time to find a man is when you have one. “SG, you got a boyfriend. That’s nice. Keep looking.”

“But auntie, he’s really sweet and fun.”

“Ok, well he can be sweet and fun but he also could be the man that will lead you to your real husband.”

I’m still testing her theory out.

I have a friend, who if judging by the way she treats her relationships has been married and divorced 3 times at the age of 29.

Her first “marriage” was to her college sweetheart. She made him dinner on her hot plate. Washed his laundry when he was cramming for finals. Borrowed her dads car to help move her bf across three states for a summer internship and back again. He was headed to Med School when he decided that it was best he focus his attention to his studies. He thanked her for being a good girlfriend. It lasted 4 years.

“Husband” #2 was from age 23-26. He was a cop, just bought a house and always talked about having kids. She was sure they would really be married one day. Basically she spent 6 out of 7 days at his place and helped him decorate. Started playing house. There was no time for friends unless he was busy and she was clueless when it came to having male friends. The only man, of any kind, in her life was the cop. She caught him cheating on her one night at his house when he told her he was out of town for the weekend.

Her last “marriage” was a quick one. He was a co-worker who liked her. She was so bitter from the failed marriages that she didn’t take him seriously. After a year of playing him, she finally smartened up but it was too late. He strung her along like she had done him.  Two years later she realized she was left empty yet again.

The trouble with my friend “the bride” is she treated each boyfriend like a husband when not every man you date is husband material. Same goes for men who treat all women like queens when really some of them are scandalous tricks.

I love to hear women go on and on about “We are in a committed relationship,” when they speak of their boyfriend and how seriously they work at it. That’s all good and well but the real commitment is when you say “I do”. So until I have an engagement ring on my finger…I am single!


28 Responses to “You’re Single Until You’re Married”

  1. This is what my mom says as well. It can be hard to find the line between what your role is as a girlfriend and what it means to be a wife. In practice it aint always so easy to say “not until we’re married!”

  2. This is definitely the truth. That’s why living with a boyfriend/girlfriend is also bad news. It equates to a half hearted commitment. I’m with you on this on – I’m glad it only took 1 divorce (cheating college girlfriend) to learn that this shhh is chess not checkers

  3. I totally agree with you. I’ve had relationships in which I played the bride and not just the girlfriend and those lasted very long. Now I think I’m in, not even girlfriend mode, but dating mode, thinking “you’re the guy I’m seeing today, tomorrow? who knows?” But then of course I haven’t had a lasting serious relationship in ages… hmmm, let me rethink this.

  4. Girl, you ain’t neva lied. It took ten years of my life to learn this lesson. Women are still taught to ‘stand by your man’ and to ‘give it time’. Even for those poor souls who are making Steve Harvey rich are paying to hear outdated and counter productive advice. If a woman has a full, active forward moving life the man who wants her will have to make his intentions known…conversation, ring, wedding..anything else is just an I.O.U…and in this recession, it could take forever to bank on it.

  5. AWESOME point! I just started dating someone so I’m in the same boat. Still a single girl at heart though!

  6. I like this….you have a new reader….

    I always tell ppl you have to remember that people are human and that things will go downhill when you least expect it….

    You should learn how to keep at least part of yourself involved with something outside of the relationship (job, career, skill, self improvement) so if anything happens your world isnt all destroyed.

    “Ladies, I love ya’ll, I love my freedom more”……..

  7. Indeed. Like many of the previous commenters, I’ve been there done that. I am in a committed relationship, but am clear on my position. I am not dating others in order to focus my attention and assess the suitability of my paramour as a husband one day. But trust, he doesn’t get “husband” treatment. You gotta save something for marriage. Sheesh!

  8. What’s ironic is that’s how I treat men. However, I don’t date more than one man at a time. That maybe because I don’t know how (and trust me I have tried). However I do not ‘play wife’. Because you don’t know how to be a wife, if you’ve never been a wife. I’ve been a girlfriend, and I know how to do that.

    In the same context, how can a man adequately decide if he wants to give you a ring, when he is clusless as to who you’ll become one you get the promise of marriage. Isn’t that what men mean when they say “man, we got married and everything changed”. And they are more often time than not mad about that.

    So fellas can’t have their cake and eat it too.

    Yes use dating, boyfriend/girlfriend as the interview process, but at which point you decide ‘she’s the one’ please know the relationship is going to change. Because now she will be a wife and not your shorty/lady/girlfriend/wifeY.

  9. See.. from a good guys point of view thats that bullshit that get us jammed up and played.. You got an answer for all the things that are f**** up but what about when you meet a decent guy? And you met him at 21..? And he IS showing you the world you know and deserve.. but because you aren’t married then you want to spread yourself thin and vibe w/ others, jeopardizing the foundation that might lead to that marriage, dog, house, kids n picket fence..? Whats the point of investing time into someone if you dont have intentions to really show him your sundays best? I feel like you’d be playing me from the very beginning if thats what i see..

    but you know what happens afterward? Well look at husband #3.. He left her ass hanging in the midst of all those dumb ass GAMES OF SOCIETY. When will women wake up and realize that the ways of the past are the tried and true methods..?

    What youre saying sounds like a GREY AREA!!! And if there is one thing I will not allow in my lifetime is GREY AREA!! Meaning you create a scenario from other scenario’s so you can feel good about doing what your doing to people.. Mixing the black (IT MIGHT WORK?) with the WHITE (IT MIGHT NOT WORK).. and creating GREY!! For example its not ever cool to hit on a woman but if the woman hits you then you will hit her like you hit any other ninjaz? NINJA, ITS NEVER COOL TO HIT A FEMALE…! Or in your case it isn’t cool to play w/ people emotions like that.. He might be giving you his all and if your not responsive enough to that then it creates a truly stressful situation..

    The comment above says people are only human and things will happen.. So anticipate the human nature of people, man and woman and prepare for heartbreak if worse comes to worse.. How will you know if he/she would ever be a good friend if your not allowing him to really be one..?

  10. I love your candid comments…lol….you crack me up…Never having been married I don’t know how to play the wife..but I can be a girlfriend..My momma always said why buy the cow when the milk is free so living together and playing married is out…Also I believe in giving time and attention to the person I am interviewing so one at a time.

  11. lmfao@dis. ..yanno. ..why would sum1 expect sum1 to committ to em if dey say dey in a relationship to the person dey wit but still consider demsef single. .deez are prolly reasonz y ppl end up in mess’d up situation and blah blah blah. .if im wit a woman and she say we in a relationship and i committ to it, and to find out she still sayin she single. .yanno wut. . .imma say im single too and imma push her to da side like she any otha female out there. ..datz jus my out look on it.. .

  12. I totally agree 100%

  13. Single in the South

    Monday, 1st June 2009 at 6:31 PM

    @ TheRealDook:

    Saying you’re single until you’re married IS the way of the past. In my great-grandmother’s day, men “courted” the women until one of them proposed. There really wasn’t a whole lot of expectation that the woman be courted by only one man at the time.

    But you are right that the old ways are best- there was a lot more marrying and a lot less heartbreak going on back then.

  14. Amen, sista

  15. This is probably the dumbest blog post on the internet.

    The Real Dook is the only comment that makes sense.

    No wonder why you women are single.

  16. Y in da hell would sum 1 say that they r single and they in a relationship? that s**t sound so stupid to me. i been single for some years now but not by choice tho i’m waiting on my soulmate cuz the bible say Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.

  17. i would have to say that i see valid points from both sides. i have been hurt plenty of times by men who i have done so many things for…acted like the wife only to be betrayed. so i can understand saying that you are single until you’re married. because you shouldnt settle, there is always better. you shouldnt allow a man to get everything from you in a relationship, because why would he want to marry you when you are already the wife without the true committment. but at the same time, if you are in a relationship, you should give the person your full effort, or else why be in a relationship. its really tricky. my opinion is to be in a relationship with somebody, but just keep separate lives…meaning dont play house and dont make that person your whole world…have other interests, have friends that you hang with alot. also, dont see that person so often that way you are not playing that wife role. but at the same time give them love…just not all of your heart until a ring is presented. that way, the person knows that you are a good person enough to maybe marry one day, but they arent necessarily getting the benefits that they would get if they were married to you. so if they see you are a good match, they will want to see what more you have to offer, and will do what is necessary to get that.

  18. And you dumb bitches wonder why men and women cheat on you of course if my woman say she single that mean we got a open relationship and i can go and fck who i wanna fck then you wanna sit and bytch about how he cheated on you when you ass been looking for another man the whole time lol women are not that smart. And to be honest why would a gentleman wanna marry a dumb bytch who acts like that…

  19. I completely disagree. If you’re single until you’re married then what’s the purpose of relationships? We cannot claim a person when it’s convenient, when we want our selfish desires satisfied such as emotional support & something just a tad more fulfilling than a bit of sinfully good & different ***. Even if you want to argue that you aren’t inferring that it’s not all about having sex with someone different, rather finding a partner who is more emotionally fulfilling, then why not leave the “relationship” for the new one? Maybe because in the back of one’s mind there’s always apprehension knowing that the new person is just providing something “new”, but incomparable to what you already have. Yet, you want to keep your options open because you’re too selfish to commit. Perhaps this is why our community is being massacred by hiv; we’re keeping our options too open, allowing things in our “relationship” that don’t belong [btw, did you know today is black aids awareness day? yeah, it's getting that bad]. Instead of being open-minded to accepting things normally thought taboo such as FWB’s, open marriages, bisexuality (not suggsesting any of these are unacceptable), why not be more open-minded toward things valued, such as committment. if you aren’t satisfied take your want-to-be-single *** elsewhere, because if I’m sharing with you your worries, my love, & our struggles, then I’m committed. I’m not single. We could just be single together. Then, I may go looking at other options. To me, if I was looking at other options the entirity of our relationship, then I was never truly satisfied in the first place. Which means I would have never married you. You’d want to committ to someone you love, relationship or marriage.

  20. I wish I was here last year. I agree with SG. See, “brand new” folk done forgot how it “‘sposta be.” In relationships, it is practice and yes you are single until married. This thing does require common sense and intuition. You should know somewhere down the line if a person means well by you or not, that way all of your energy wouldn’t be wasted on waste. In any case though, why play “wife” or “husband” when you’re not married? I do know some blessed couples that has won against the odds. Still, when in a relationship, the point is to show a briefing of what you will get once you’re married. Like, hello, marriage is a reward right? Will you be able to tell how geat of a reward if you had been getting it all along? You shouldn’t be cooking, cleaning, ironing/laundry, none of that for a bf/gf. That’s why we’re told not to shack up in the first place so you wouldn’t find yourselves in those situations anyway. A relationship serves as a bridge to marriage, you’re not gonna unpack all your goodies out of your bag until you make it to your destination, only enough to get there.

  21. Oh yeah, common sense: If in a relationship, you’re not gonna walk around saying “I’m single, I’m single!” Simply out of respect for your bf/gf you wouldn’t right? One shouldn’t of course act single, but nor should one act married in a relationship. Remember the bridge!

  22. I think what constitutes acting like a wife may vary from person to person.
    Having sex, having babies, buying a house together, washing, cooking, cleaning , joint accounts are all things that are considered a part of being a wife. No doubt single ladies are partaking in all of these actions, some only one or two others maybe all.
    For me the key element that constitutes being a wife would be what action would live you mad as f&%k if he left you tomorrow.
    Yes, I am having sex, I am not a wife, and if he left me tomorrow, well we both got ours.
    Cooking, cleaning, washing, I don’t mind it, and I only do it if I feel like it.
    Now if we had joint accounts and a mortgage and he were to leave tomorrow THAT’s when the problem starts!

  23. I agree with MiMi 100%

    I am in a relationship with my man and he provides a lot of things for me. If I were single, when times got rough for me emotionally/ financially, I would be going at it ALONE.. but he sees my frustration and he helps me out. I also provide him with some relaxation by cleaning the dishes after meals (that He cooked) and helping him clean the house. I am more than happy to do these things because he supports me and I want to show my appreciation. I never feel like i’m “playing house”. I’ll be playing house when we are actually paying for the Mortgage TOGETHER and I have a shiny diamond on my finger. Then and only then will I truly feel like I have something to lose if the relationship doesn’t work out.

  24. Seriously, is it so bad to have a Yenta arrange your marriage for ya? My goodness. I’m married now but from the time I was 9 yrs old till I got married I thought dating was stupid anyway and I just wanted a committee of wise, spiritual elders who know me very well to pick a husband for me so I can be done with it.

  25. @ Saysthesinglegirl
    I need your help. I was raped by a burglar at knife point at 12 years old I also have some serious body image issues. All my insecurities came to light when I went into my first quasi relationship a few months ago @ 25 years old. He was a pro very confident and wanted to jump feet first into a relationship and was very forward. I find it hard to date someone you don’t know from anywhere just the two of you. The attraction made me nervous and panicky. I was super super cautious and guarded and continued to reach out to him insisting we only be friends especially because he wasn’t a committed Christian and I was.

    I learned a lesson of not putting every man you know on the potential husband pedestal and that it’s okay to date and relax in the moment and not worry about if it’ll work out.

    Any other tips for those dating for the first time in their life? Mistakes to avoid?

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  27. This is the hoe mentality at work. Can’t commit to one man, so you think it’s okay to go out and hop on every dick you see until one of them purposes to you. No man in his right mind, will ever marry such a female.

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