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Why You Can’t Find a GOOD Man

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Tweep David L Patrick forwarded me his great post about a topic we all love to talk about–Why women are single. I thought I’d share it with you because when I say the same thing you think I’m talking crazy. Enjoy!

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I was reading a blog that I tend to read very often by Shaun King called Shaun in the City, and he brought up a hot button topic for men and women (particularly here in Atlanta.) He was concerned about why “good” women here are not able to find a man even though they are highly educated with Masters degrees and Ph.d’s and are beautiful. He says “own their own, they are the bomb. However, without fail, they are overwhelmingly single and highly disappointed with the market for men in our city.” He says that they are falling for men who are married, heterosexual and permanently single, sorry (permanently unemployed, cheaters, dirty, bad habits, abusive, thuggish, etc.), gay (undercover gay, normal gay, flamboyantly gay) or caught up in the criminal justice system (in jail, on the way to jail, or just got out of jail.)

I personally think that the “problem” is a lot more simple than these single people know. They are “too smart” for their own good, I suppose. And as I surfed through the comments (mostly from the ladies) I noticed again some of the same problems that is leaving them currently single. I wanted to respond to every single comment but instead decided to post this blogpost.

So here is my disclaimer: You will probably be offended. Get over it. Somebody had to tell you the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts and is most times controversial. Do not try to come up with excuses as to why I am wrong. I’m probably not. In fact, I’m quite sure of it. I’m not single. I’m pretty happily married. I am where you are trying to be. So stop wearing your feelings on your sleeves. If you will listen you might be able to be helped. So here goes. This is why you can’t find a good man.

1. You are defining your success by the wrong standards

I noticed that most of the comments in Shaun’s post were saying “I’m educated, and beautiful” as if being smart and pretty guarantees you a good man. There is nothing wrong with having something going for you in the education department and chances are you didn’t have anything to do with how pretty you are. (Thank your mama for that.) So why do you keep bringing this up? Do you think that a woman who is less educated and not so pretty should get the second rate gentlemen that you are so frequently ending up with? The fact is that if you are defining yourself by these things it’s being shallow. Why aren’t you talking about the integrity that you have, the character you possess? Why haven’t you mentioned that you are kind, funny, non-judgemental? Did you say anything about being supportive, easy going? Did you let us know that even though you aren’t yourself perfect that you have identified areas of your life that are weak and that you are working on it? Your MBA or Ph.d is really nice. It is. It just won’t help you advance your relationship. Sorry.

2. Measuring Men by the Wrong Stick

While at first that seems like a double entendre, it’s not meant to be. Your problem you smart, beautiful woman you, is that you choose men by a different standard than you measure him with. It’s like comparing apples and oranges. What do I mean? Well you choose men usually based solely on those same shallow standards that you use to measure your own success. So you look for a guy with money, has at least the same level education, and is extremely good looking. And there is nothing wrong with that, except you eventually measure him by more core items such as his character. You wait way too long to start making his character mean anything to you. While men tend to look for good lookng women, they also know what type of personality, character, etc. that he is looking for. There are men who are out just to have a good time (and there are men out there doing that) but when these men get serious, they absolutely already know what type of woman he wants in most areas and he won’t take a woman home to meet his parents that don’t fit the bill. They don’t settle. Why do you?

3. Fear of being alone

My wife and I always tell young ladies that we found each other during a time that neither of us were searching for a mate. We were absorbed in bettering ourselves personally and being busy about life. She tells them to stop looking for a man. Seriously just stop dating period. Yet these women think that if they start taking time out of the meat market to work on themselves and enjoy the gift of singleness, that Mr. Right will pass them by. “My biological clock is ticking and it’s cold on Christmas!” So instead of being discriminating, ladies, you end up trying to get close to whomever shows you any sort of interest just because of fear. Don’t give me excuses on this one.

4. Looking for Love in All The Wrong Places

Everyone knows the adage, that if you continue to do what you’ve been doing, you’ll continue to get what you’ve been getting. Where have you been finding all these “winners” you’ve been dating. If it has been at the same consistent places, may be it’s time for a change. I hear you saying, “I know somebody who found her husband at the night club or on Twitter.” Good for them. We are talking about you. That hasn’t worked for you. Really, you should try finding somebody at a place where you two are involved in an activity and get to interact more than once before exchanging phone numbers. This way you get a chance to see them interact with people in action a few times. “But I met him at church!” So what! While church seems noble you still don’t get a good chance to interact with him unless you are involved in a ministry activities with him. Bottom line: you need to see this person a few times more than once in most cases.

5. Looking for Love Period

I am a believer that a man finds a wife. Sorry. I believe in the Bible where it says that when a man finds a wife he finds good.  Ladies, that does not put you in a powerless position. It makes the man do the chasing and it puts you in a position to examine and send the dirty rotten scoundrels on their way. “But what if the guys don’t come looking for me?” Well, it looks like that fear of being alone creeping back in. If they are not seeking after you… why are you chasing them? The men that you chase figure that you are desperate. He knows that he can be sorry, married, a player, or whatever and still stay in your good graces a long time because you came looking for him. When you came chasing you gave your power away.

6. Making Things Options That Shouldn’t Be Options

One of the most disturbing comments I read in Shaun’s post was a woman who said that she considered “settling for someone else’s man.” Uh, this should not have even been an option. This is like saying you are looking for a new car and come looking in my garage. That’s not an option on the table for you. I am never sure why single women want married men, even if these married men come looking for you – he’s no-good ladies! The second thing I read is that the women think that the options mentioned in the post (married, sorry, in the justice system, player, etc.) are the only options out there. This list should be your “don’t date” list, not your dating options list. Once you eliminate these guys all that’s left are those good men that you have been in search of.

7. Stop saying there are no good men!

I commented on Shaun’s post asking women to stop saying that there are no good men out there. There are good men. I am one of them. And before I married my wife, I was a single man and my wife was able to see past all the crap guys to see me and I pursued her. Ladies, if you stay convinced that there are no good men, you will continue to settle for the ones that aren’t. Keep hope alive. There are good men.  You just need to make sure that when he finds you, that you are everything that you want him to be. Because a good man is not looking for a woman that is less a good woman than he is a good man.

Now you can chew me out in the comment section below. Thanks.

- David L Patrick

Check out more of “Davidism’s” at http://davidisms.wordpress.com/

29 Responses to “Why You Can’t Find a GOOD Man”

  1. co motherfucking signed

  2. daaaaamnn………I hope yall read this and then re-read this….this goes to the men and women cause it applies to both.

  3. I think it’s harder for young men like myself who’re trying to do something with their lives.

    By trade, I do lifestyle marketing and promotions so my life is FAR from boring, but I see some friends of mine who are in different industries and they get shot don left and right because they are “boring” to females. Someone on another message board said that us Black folks have been conditioned to be people of extremes. So it’s like you gotta either be Cornell West or a DMX. There’s no in between and i think some of our females tend to overlook regular guys like myself who just are “in the middle”.

    Then you got females who look @ dudes as a future paycheck etc

    To quote Drake: “I need somethin’ to balance out the fact that it’s hard to find a girl when you’re talented and Black”

    I’m single and i’ve learned to just build myself up. My motto for life/business is “If you build it, they will come.”

  4. One of my favorite “sayings” or “quotes” was Mae West saying “A good man is hard to find but a hard man is good to find”. Can we all get an amen??

  5. Loved, loved, loved, this post! I’ve got a new blog to follow…tell the truth, shame the devil!

  6. I’m a single 23 yr old woman, and I agree with every word 100%. I’m blessed that I understand such things at a young age, so when my husband finds me, I will be well above the rest!

  7. I’m now going forth to share this with the world…LOL

    Great post.

  8. These should all be givens!

    No argument from me. This is worth forwarding

  9. I completely agree with this post. I just sent it to my best friend out of state. To be honest I’ve felt like it’s hard to find a good man…but I am also a firm believer in the Bible, and I know that one blessed day a man (a good one) will come my way. I am thankful to be young (25), educated, and wise enough to not make a fool of myself. Thanks for the post and definitely the motivation.

  10. Love this BLOG!

  11. No one knows the secret to this. Love doesn’t happen unless you want it to happen. There are always excuses as to why a relationship won’t work and some people let greed effect finding love. There is always going to be that criteria that a man or woman don’t wish to deviate from. People’s standards keep them single because they want the person they are in a relationship with to fulfill their needs. If people stopped themselves and worried less about their needs, friction wouldn’t exist and relationships would be better off. I say that you can’t be in a relationship if you have issues with your ego. Diplomacy would be a great trait to have but some people don’t like diplomacy to exist in their relationship. There are some people who are thrilled by drama being in their relationship. They think it’s fun to have that be the case.

  12. My grandmother used to say, “Never look for someone you love; find ewho loves YOU.”

    The problem is that most people–women AND men–don’t want what’s/who’s good for them…they want what THEY want, and most times, they are not one in the same. In most things in life, we are willing to settle…only when it comes to relationships do we always go after what we want.

  13. great posting. i’m currently writing book on dating and allot of what he’s saying i believe and write about…

    good stuff!

  14. THANK YOU FOR THE TRUTH! I’m am a 31 yr old woman who has been trying to tell my friends these truths for years. If they would just heed this advise maybe they wouldn’t be single and miserable! I am single and happily dating some wonderful men. I get relationship offers all the time because I hold these truths near and dear to my heart. Because of this, I know that the right man that God has chosen will find me when the time is right.

  15. the real topic should be just stop looking and look forward to loving and appreciating yourself more…hmmm maybe self betterment is best…

  16. Hey David! Not gonna chew you out buddy! I agree wholeheardtedly!! I wish there were more guys out there like you who would pick up a Bible and read up on God’s way of how a relationship/courtship/ marriage should be developed. My problem is..there are guys who say that they know, but as soon as we get by our lonesome, he’s going in for the kill.. SEX! I’m like.. What the mess? I know that there is a guy that God has designed especially for me and by me jumping the gun on God’s plan, I have had to endure some pretty rough times… I’ve always been a tad bit confused on how pro-active a woman should be when it comes to “finding” the right guy. Over the past few months I’ve learned to stop asking God for a mate. Instead my request has been, Lord PREPARE me for him when he comes!!!! That helps take your mind off of that man, and on what you can do to better yourself for him!!!

  17. Oh! One more thing… just some words to ponder.. “Love is not merely gazing into each others eyes, but gazing in the same direction.”

  18. I can agree to a certain extent, but I doubt all women measure men according to their own success. I generally think that woman throw on the “Educated and Beautiful” title, thanks to many men being worried about gold diggers. I myself am educated and beautiful, but I don’t have to flaunt that because I know who I am, and I know I am not a gold digger. In the same light, you have male gold-diggers out there just like female ones (and by gold I do mean money and anything else that can be taken if given the opportunity). You got this group of men who are afraid of a woman who can take care of herself (she’s too independent), then you got this group of men who think every chick is out to get their wallet, then you have the “good men”, which seem to all be taken. Sure there are other types of men not in those catagories, but it’s pretty hard to find them in this day. I am single, BUT at the same time, I’m definitally not looking at this time. I’m trying to get my own things straight before jumping into a relationship with someone else, but before I got focused on continuing my education, I ran into every catagory except “Good Men”. I stopped caring about finding one, cause that is a waste of time, and started caring about making myself happy. If there is one for me, it’ll happen then if it doesn’t oh well, it was a good run cause life is too short to cry over being alone when I’m surrounded by family and good friends. I’m sure the “Good man” theory is just like air, it exists but you can’t see it and I damn sure haven’t seen it around here.

  19. I am a good Man, never been in a relationship, never kissed, held in a woman’s arms other than my mom’s. The thing I noticed is that alot of the woman I meet and am interested in have just gotten out of a long bad relationship and are on the grounds of “men suck Im going to live dramma free and be single” They say this but within a week or two I talk to them and they are in another relationship…. Here am I… Waiting on God and I still have joy!!

  20. I really think that this is true. No matter what I have been through in my past relationships with guys, I have risen above it. I do no allow my past to hinder me from moving into the future. I know that there are good men out there and I have no problem waiting until he makes his way over to me. Patience is a vertue. I love being single. It is time for me to reflect on what went wrong, what needs to be changed, and what I want. Thus I make me better in the end.

  21. quite true. i can’t not agree with ur post. but there are some nice and kind girls that are still single and the problem not in their ego or kind of hightened demands towards males. some girls fear from having relationship. bcs of their shyness and as time passes this fear is growing pretty steadily in them not letting them even to think of possible closeness with opposite sex. lack of confidence, shyness and other pschycologycal barriers has grown in them preventing them from seizure of the chance when they meet good man. i know pretty good number of good girls who are still single and lonely but they could be really kind and nice wives and mothers if men they had met could convince them that they were in reliable and safe hands and would be happy together. the men could wait a little longer and be more patient. then they could be the happiest men and husbands. these category of girls need someone who can make them to beleive in themselves and support them morally. they need a trust.

  22. I’m fat and ugly and nobody likes me but for SEX

  23. Lies. just another article blaming woman when the reality is that men are harder to please than ever.

  24. hey, im beautiful, smart and loving. i also find its hard to get a good man. i do not go flaunting it into no one’s face but somehow men are attracted to the bossy, bitchy gold digger type. maybe sylvester can give me a call..:-)

  25. absolutely right says

    Monday, 27th February 2012 at 12:38 AM
     

    i am a straight man that had to make a comment on this topic. it is the women that have become very nasty, along with their attitude problem today. it has become very hard to communicate with them, since many of them do not want to be bothered now. so how can us men meet decent women today?

  26. This was very helpful! Thank you!

  27. All I can and will say is….great article!! Thank you for the info! I plan to take what I read and put into action!

  28. There is truth to the article. So before some ppl do get concerned over what seems to be the anti feminism approach, (I understand)…but pls note that ppl aren’t just measured by paper, or success…that I the truth. We should consider CHARACTER.

    In my previous relationship, I chose a guy who seemed to care about me, very much, and was attracted to me. I felt I learned my lesson. In the end we were different, and he was quite sexist, past this article. He is in my life as a friend, and we are gonna be better off I think…truly. Since we won’t have disagreements any longer, now that all pressure and intimacy is off. That being said, don’t chase, or be chooses, but turn to those that are saying, hey I care. It may not work our, but it just gets u that one step closer to realizing something, that I jut did. Common interests, goals etc could be the ultimate key to success…

    Also something that wasn’t touched on, I just wanted to note: don’t try to change anyone. My previous relationship, he tried to change my personality. My appearance. It all came down o, why did he really choose me…it could have been that I seemed unattainable.

    So yes, being too available does put some bets off. Stop looking. Stop planning…and he may fall not your lap before you know.

    While my relationship dint work, even though I applied some of these things, I learned a lot, and I need to find someone with common interest and goals. I like a person with ambition. Bu I am out, and don’t are if he is the best looking. That’s debatable. Looks are a cover.

    If u truly like someone, you love their smile, life, everything…


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