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What Do I Look Like, A Maid?

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By: Nafeesa Saboor aka “The Style Scrybe” (stylescrybesays.blogspot.com)

I’ve never been much of a domestic. I don’t mind cooking, but I’ve always preferred that someone else do the cleaning. It came as quite and unwelcomed surprise, then, when I realized that much of my romantic life has been and will be spent cleaning up after other people. I don’t mean picking up smelly socks and washing dirty dishes. In this case, picking up after a man is much easier than straightening out the messes many women leave behind.

Take, for instance, one man I dated. I’m changing all names to protect the guilty, so we’ll call him “Sunny” because at the beginning of our courtship he always made my days brighter. He was handsome, creative, artistic, chivalrous and extremely intelligent. He was exactly what I’d been praying for (well, mostly). We shared an almost instant connection… as if we’d known each other in a past life or something. We both went in not wanting to be in a serious relationship that seemed to be where we were headed. He’d been engaged before, though, and hurt pretty badly in other relationships. If I was gonna keep this one, I’d have to clean up after quite a few women.

There was the first serious girlfriend, who decided she wanted to be single after he’d decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her (and bought the ring). There were some others who didn’t work out for one reason or another. Then, there was the one right before me. Apparently, she’d been emasculating and belittling. He had his flaws too, but I guess they’d decided they each could deal. Eventually, after purchasing property together and planning a wedding, they realized they were making a mistake.

By the time he got to me, there was quite a bit of sweeping and scrubbing that needed to be done inside his heart. He was great to me, though, so I was willing. It was a process that involved earning his trust, encouraging, complimenting, and lots of gentle handling. I’d tell him how great he was, defer to his decisions, pamper him, etc. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not THAT chick. I basically treated him like he treated me. He often commented that I seemed to understand his needs better than anyone ever had… until one day there was an argument. Dude did a 180. I was suddenly being compared to all these other women who’d left their mark and taken with them a little of the treasure that was in his chest (damn, guess I missed a spot or two, huh?). Things got progressively worse until I was simply tired. I realized that this was no longer a cleaning mission. This man basically needed a bell hop. He’d packed the worst of his heart’s mess into a bunch of baggage and seemed to need help toting the load. Needless to say, I made my exit, but not before suggesting professional help. I’ll tidy up a little, but carry some woman’s second-hand baggage is something I simply won’t do.

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6 Responses to “What Do I Look Like, A Maid?”

  1. Sounds like he has relationship issues separate from any of the women he`s been with; perhaps those girls had their reasons for leaving.

    Everyone has EXPERIENCES from prior relationships that are supposed to serve as guildelines to what a person will and will not accept in future relationships. They help us decide what we want in relationships and to learn about ourselves and what we have to offer. Anything beyond that (exception: traumatic relationships, i.e. abuse) is not the mate`s ex`s fault. Things don`t work out, love is a risk, and you`re taking a risk every time you choose to enter a relationship. It`s a person`s responsibility to take it on the chin and grow from past experiences. If you allow them to stunt your emotional growth, it no longer becomes your ex`s problem, but YOURS.

    You women need to stop accepting men with so much baggage, thinking you can fix them. A confident man and/or woman is able to articulate his or her feelings and what they want out of a relationship, along with problems they might have had in the past that could deter growth; its up to you to choose to accept it or not. It`s similar to choosing to date a man with children. Either you can handle it or you can`t; you have an option, and those kids can`t be erased or ignored. A clear line of communication is key.

  2. I agree with Cereza, but sometimes we don’t discover the baggage until later. I spent two months with a man who was open, communicative and fabulous. Then we had a small disagreement and BAM! 180 degree turnaround. Soon, it was all downhill and over. *shakes head* In truth, I think he realized I wasn’t was he was looking for. But he could’ve done a better job by just saying so.

  3. I would have a few questions for you Nafessa – how did you guys meet? How long did you guys know each other and communicate before it became a relationship? Personal, but how long did you guy wait before having sex and how long after sex did you guys get into this relationship ending argument?

    These questions are pertinent because if not enough time had passed between each, then you guys hadn’t gotten to know each other well enough to be in a relationship. I am really actually interested in the answers as this type of topics is something I actually research.

  4. Funny how we always seems to hark on and blame our shortcomings on someone else’s dirt and baggage and not our own.

    Particularly-maybe, uhm- daddy issues, self esteem issues, abandonment issues, life handling issues to name a few. I suppose when our own bags are filled to the brim with the dirty things we all seem to experience one way or another, we shouldn’t try some heavier lifting, especially if we know we are not built like that and don’t have the stamina nor grace to deal with another human being’s “luggage”.

    Issues are no more than life compiling, and we should feel so blessed that regardless of what someone has gone through that they still found the strength and faith to love us. To love IMPERFECT us. Because I can go on and on about someone’s issues that I was involved with and blame them ALL day when it doesn’t work out. But the bottom line is the common denominator is YOU. And throughout your entire diatribe about this mentally challenge man who you suggested professional help to, I see no mention of you? No mention of your dirty things, you cumbersome carry on…hmmmm….

    Are you the type of person to shut down, turn off your phone, avoid, avoid, avoid? Are you the type of person that thinks saying you love someone is no more than a line from “Breakfast at Tiffany”? Are you a Holly Golightly type? Move in quickly, move on quickly, recreate your identity to suit your purposes? Are you folly, flighty and flaky? By your own admission the man treated you well, are you sure you gave it, him, enough time? Or are you one of those people who shut it off and shut people out the moment you don’t get your way. Adult relationships are long, sometimes tedious, arduous, and dirty work. But it can also be empowering and forgiving and sweet.

    Love takes patience and time and often times a LOT of scrubbing and cleaning. I bet he had his heavy duty yellow plastic cleaning gloves on dealing with you as well, ‘She’ with no fault.

    Love takes some elbow grease and understanding and with a little luck if you HANG IN THERE, and really know that that person is genuine, love will prosper and grow. Especially over the age of 30, whence we are more solid and set in our ways.

    I think that guy is probably doing great now, I think he moved on and found some happiness and trust in someone willing to do a little dirty work and heavy lifting. Have you? I think he may have had issues like any other SANE person who have chosen the wrong partner(s), and in this instance I think he chose wrong in you, because not only do you seem to lack patience in others, you haven’t learned that love is dirty sometimes, it can be soiled and uncomfortable, sometimes downright messy as a second grader’s shirt at recess but what it is IS unconditional. And it requires TIME and PATIENCE and from what I’ve read you seem like the type of narcissistic person who probably- ADMITTEDLY-lacked the latter, immensely. But when we are so self consumed and centered in our own BS we find it easy to place blame.

    I will tidy up, scrub, deep clean and sterilize in the name of love. I will hold, balance, become the bearer of all baggage that a woman brings with her in the name of love. And when I’m at my VERY last breath (and not just a few months in) I will find a second wind, place her soiled heavy baggage down and begin again ALL in the name of LOVE.

    It’s easy to list the things you simply won’t do. It’s hard to do ONE thing you simply won’t list.

  5. Wow because this is very helpfulexcellent work! Congrats and keep it up


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