The Groupie Guidelines


This week is the NBA draft which means dozens of parties, hundreds of professional or soon-to-be professional athletes and thousands of groupies will descend upon New York City.

This year I’ve decided to give the ladies on a quest to snag a Baller during special events (i.e. Draft Parties, All-Star weekend, Super Bowl Weekend, etc) whether it be for one night, one week, one month or a lifetime, some tips on how to do it smart and safe.

Please note: I am not nor have I ever been a groupie. In fact I think most athletes are dumber than a box of rocks and have dirty dicks. What gives me the right to offer this guideline? My good girlfriends have mastered the game for their personal gain. I bestow their knowledge unto you…


Being Noticed

1. Looks are everything!

You don’t have to be stunningly beautiful but you must be gorgeous, well groomed and show that you are comfortable in your skin. Hair and make up shouldn’t be too over the top. You don’t want to look like a call girl. Special note, if you have fake hair make sure its done! Men are hip to weaves and lacefronts and will ask their home girl in the crew to inspect your main and come back with a verdict.

2. What to Wear

Dresses work better than pants unless you have a fat ass, in that case tight jeans or leggings may be your golden ticket. If you have big boobs you can accentuate them but don’t push them up to your chin or have aerolas showing. You don’t want to look like you have two bald men in headlocks. Whatever you choose to wear be impeccably dressed. No muffin top, lumps and bumps. Aim for smooth, straight lines and curves. You don’t have to max out your credit cards buying expensive clothes that you’re just going to return. Sure rappers talk about designer clothes in songs but 99.9% of men can’t identify designers threads.

3. The Darker You Are, The Harder Your Chances

Ballers know that special events like Draft or All-Star Weekend bring out the big game. They have the pick of the litter and usually select in this order:

A – Exotic Looking Women: knowing they are the holy grail they do little more than find a perch in the club, smile and bask in the attention.

B – White Women: never hold their hand out, are patient and like hanging out with the entourage. The understand they are the forbidden fruit and get off on that. Very bold, they know the name of the game is walking right up to the Baller and introducing themselves.

C – Latinas: practice the art of seduction. They spot the Baller and dance all sexy to catch their eye and become dance floor lesbians going for shock and awe. They aren’t afraid to advertise that they are hot in the panties.

D – Black Women: considered to be a headache at times, but if the looks are right he might go for her. Will get overlooked completely if any of the above are in the vicinity.

There’s no real science to the selection process. Sometimes Ballers switch it up but they love to go after what they normally wouldn’t be able to if not for their millions and status. There is hope for black girls. Many black Ballers will wife a black women but they love to pop off with exotic, white and Latina groupies.


Know the Rules

No one tells you how to be a groupie and often times women get played because they either said or did something that turned the Baller off.

Rule #1 – Never Ask for Money

He isn’t stupid. He knows you know he has money and want to enjoy his lifestyle. If he invited you out that means he plans on footing the bill. If you are lucky enough to stretch a one night meeting into something lasting you hopefully have gained his favor and can start to drop hints that you want your rent or car note paid. Still, asking for a blank check or a couple stacks is never a good move.

Rule #2 – Expect to Have Sex

Sex is the name of the game. If you think you are going to lock down the pussy and this multi-millionaire is just going to go along for the cat and mouse chase you are fooling yourself. You can sleep with a Baller the first night and have him comeback for more. If you don’t end up sleeping with your catch the first night, don’t worry someone else probably did. If you lay it on him, he will come back. Ballers love to have a sure thing in each city. Sex doesn’t insure anything it’s what happens before and after sex that makes the lasting impression.

Rule #3 – Don’t be a Hard Ass

Ballers are lazy and don’t want a woman, who they know is a groupie, trying to pull a fast one him. They don’t want a challenge because all of them have a real woman at home. They don’t want a headache, shit talked or drama queen. They just want an easy going escape.


Attitude is Everything

If you are positive and know that you are in this to have fun whether you get a free drink, free trip to Cancun or just a great night of hot sex with a millionaire, being a groupie shouldn’t be about plotting but a carefree adventure. Some things are for sure:

1 – You will not be spotted across a crowded club by a Baller in VIP and end up being his wife.
2 – If you want to sweeten the pot, you will end up on your back at some point.
3 – A Baller will disrespect you if you show your ass.
4 – Just because you are a groupie doesn’t mean you aren’t a lady

Happy Hunting!

***Here’s an interesting story about NBA groupies THE DAYS AND NIGHTS OF AN NBA GROUPIE.  Note that these bitches are tired and never had a shot with an athlete, past, present or future.***  





5 Responses to “The Groupie Guidelines”

  1. I am not a groupie, but this is some damn good advise, SG…i will pass it on…

  2. GURL….I guess groupies need luv too!

  3. LOL. if chicks dont know half of this shit by now, they wont know.

  4. SG you mustve had a late nite…..this isnt the usual good snack knowledge im used to with you. The groupies arent “Single Girls” they are Horribly Desperate Girls

  5. Wow I knew some of U were already low to the grownd but damn it seems as if 90% of U women are hores and to the girls out there that think that it’s ok to be a hore on the Low or for the night U are filthy bitches who deserve to be treated like the prostitutes U really are.

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