Are You Settling for a Black Man?
Sanaa said to hell with it...
“I wonder if I should lower my standards and date a black man.”
No, this isn’t me playing devil’s advocate. This is a direct quote from a friend. She is beautiful, hella smart, body banging like a benzie and you guessed right…she’s single.
Her case is like most – she is single because she chooses to be, not outright but in indirect ways that pushes interested parties away. She’s been seeing this amazing guy for months but there’s one thing about him she can’t get over: He’s white. [Note from SG: If you haven't noticed by now, I'm black and 99.9% of the people I talk about on here are black as well.]
“I just always saw myself with a black man having beautiful black babies.”
My friend is sold out on the Cosby way of life. She admits she is bougie and all too concerned with how people are going to view her that she has held back from committing to a great guy because he’s a lighter shade of pale.
Interracial dating is a none factor in my book. I believe those who are opposed to it are just unhappy in their own lives that they want to rain on someone else’s parade.
This woman’s dilemma regarding dating outside her race isn’t what alarmed me. Its her feeling that she has to lower her standards in order to be with a black man. At first I laughed but then I let it sink in. I’m sure a lot of sisters think this why, which is why many of them stay single or go gay.
“SG, think about it. The chances of me finding a guy who is everything that I am–college graduate, middle class, straight, well traveled–and black are slim to none.”
“You really don’t think there’s a black man out there that fits that?”
“Of course but more than likely he is married, engaged, in a relationship or dating a gang of women because he knows he’s the shit.”
“Do you think you can ever get over your color complex?”
“I might just have to. My guy is amazing. He treats me better than any other guy I’ve been with.”
“So what’s the problem? So what if you end up having high yellow babies. Love is love.”
“SG, I feel you but if I meet a black guy who had 2/3 of the qualities I’m looking for I’d still might pick him over my white guy.”
Discuss…
irish_mami8
Wednesday, 5th August 2009 at 6:41 AM
Alright, I’ve been lurking for a little while. But I had to give my two cents about your friend’s situation. I have always been attracted to men with darker skin (I’m white), either black or latino. But I felt that pressure when I was younger to have the kids with blonde hair and blue eyes. I love my boys more than life itself, but their father was a huge mistake that I still continue to pay for two and a half years since the marriage ended. I’m not saying that all white guys are bad. I know they’re not, but you are more prone to make bad decisions when you do something for the wrong reasons. Once I left him, I did what I wanted to do and screw what everybody else thinks. And I couldn’t be happier with the man I have now. If you’re attracted to one thing, you have to accept it. If you like them a little more on the vanilla side, then go with it. Stop trying to fight it based on some sense of what society says is right. People give us dirty looks when I’m with my man, but I just find it funny. It’s their problem. I’m happy, he’s happy. And as much as I’m proud of my heritage and don’t dislike anyone, based on their race (just because I’m not attracted to white men, doesn’t mean that I don’t like them-my father’s white, after all), there’s something comforting about finally getting what you truly wanted. Sorry if I’m rambling. Pass that along to your girl for me please. You have to follow your heart, and I don’t think it’s telling you to settle.
irish_mami8
Wednesday, 5th August 2009 at 6:45 AM
Sorry, I realized after I posted it that it didn’t sound right. I was just using her words. If she thinks being with a black man is settling, than she’ll always feel like he’s not good enough for her. There are good men and bad men in every race. And I can tell you that there are good black men out there. But you can find a white one that’s just as good. For real, I’m done now.
Legally Fabulous
Wednesday, 5th August 2009 at 10:01 AM
I don’t really think that this is a black/white issue.
I find myself in the same situation… I am a single, educated, traveled woman who is SINGLE. I’m white. I can’t find a white guy with those credentials at all. Everyone is either gay or unemployed or something. I think it’s REALLY hard to be a professional woman in a successful career to find someone who is as successful or more successful than you.
I think it would be a lot easier if I was just a waitress or bartender to find someone… or maybe I just suck and that’s why I’m single? Ha. I don’t know, I just feel like the pool of eligible men is pretty shallow. Sucks.
Dom
Wednesday, 5th August 2009 at 10:37 AM
I am so sick of this tired ass argument. On every blog I read there’s some pathetic black women lamenting the lack of “good” black men. I won’t even waste my time defending black men from this ignant assertion, Imma just start ignoring people and resisting the urge t’ smack these chicks!
As for your friend, how would she like it if her white boy felt that way about her? As in, “I can’t find any great blonde hair/blue eyed women, so I guess I’ll settle for the black chick. At least she has 2/3 compatible qualities! And the Aunt Jemima booty is a plus!” In my opinion, she shouldn’t be dating anyone she doesn’t truly respect. Sounds to me like she doesn’t really respect the black guys she sees, or the white guy either.
Ashley
Wednesday, 5th August 2009 at 10:52 AM
wow! i totally agree with irish_mami… she should follow her heart. I am also white and live in Louisiana, and me and my BLACK man have been together for 4 years now. Yes we get looks, even lost some people in our lives, but its totally worth it. Who gives a crap what society thinks about you. She will regret letting her white man go, because of his color…she will always have in the back of her mind..what if? Good luck to your friend and i hope that she follows her heart and not her head.
Teresa
Wednesday, 5th August 2009 at 12:28 PM
I totally subscribe the words of Dom. She wouldn’t like to know if her white guy thought the same way about her. And she is not respecting him either. But only she knows what’s really on her mind.
Miss Cocoa Luv
Wednesday, 5th August 2009 at 2:47 PM
Lately I have been thinking about stepping to the other side, but I’m not sure to go about in this. It’s not that I have given up on Black men, but I feel like maybe I should explore, hell they have been doing it since our people have been in this country so why can’t I? Sometimes I think that I might not be the type of Black woman that White men date. Who knows?
Dc Man With a plan
Wednesday, 5th August 2009 at 6:18 PM
Dang……I ain’t mad at ANYONE trying to get their dating on, or find a partner for life by crossing over–no matter which side you going to. What I do have a problem with is sistas in particular talkin that yang about there being no good, eligible black men. It’s one thing to prefer white, latino or African or “others” but when you do so by dissing brotha’s…THAT’s foul! If you think there aren’t screwed up white guys….come on, now. Get real!!! If you think ALL the white guys are economically, mentally and physically the shyt–U dreamin a F’d up dream. Getting with a black man is not ‘settling’ for less, unless you get with one that is not worth a f*ck. But then again, if it’s love, respect and appreciation you’re looking for, you can find that in a blue collar dude if you really tryin to deal on the real. If you’re REALLY not gonna worry about what other ppl think, your man’s salary and education level being less than your’s shouldn’t be an issue.
Charlie Barlie
Thursday, 6th August 2009 at 5:09 AM
……another confused “professional” black female….sigh…she’s a poison to herself based on her train of thought. Sad that she’ll probably just be another “professional” single angry black woman until she adjusts that.
irish_mami8
Thursday, 6th August 2009 at 7:08 AM
If you’re having trouble finding a decent man, you gotta change where you’re looking. Quit going to the clubs cuz it’s really like finding a needle in the haystack there. Sometimes you might have to figure out if it’s something within that needs to be changed. But an attitude like I’m better than you isn’t going to help anything, although it’s good for chasing the rejects (of any race away). I have a habit of attracting creeps, so it took me a while to find a good one. But I know it’s cliched, but the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Why throw a good man away just because he’s white or whatever he is? I get wanting your kids to look like you, but it’s time that we got over race. Black, white, Asian, at the end of the day it shouldn’t matter as long as he respects you. Feeling like you settled for a black man isn’t going to help matters any. I know I’m just an outsider here, but it seems to me that putting down the men in your race is only going to make it harder and feed the stereotype. It’s never a good idea to turn on your own people, like turning on family. There are plenty of people out there watching, waiting to see something like that. Believe me. The world is full of haters. If someone wants a white man, cool, but don’t put down someone else in the process. And if you don’t believe that there are decent black men, look at Obama. But don’t mind me, just me stickin my nose in other people’s business.
Dc Man With a plan
Thursday, 6th August 2009 at 12:11 PM
The whole notion of “‘settling for less in a black man” is the part that makes her statement F’d up. If you find a good man–no matter his color, do the damn thing. Hell, obviously she’s DOING the damn thing, or dude wouldn’t even be in the running. But why you gotta throw brotha’s under the bus? Obviously you’re already ‘out there’ open for relationships with “others” cuz you’re IN a relationship with another…So how come she doesn’t already know she’s able and willing to go ALL the F*ckin way if she finds something that meets her needs, standards and FEELS good and right? Maybe, in the final analysis, SHE ain’t all that? Maybe the way y’all keeping score makes her PERCEIVE that she has it going on–but I would venture a guess that her mental state is questionable…….How U get IN a relationship outside of your ethnic group and NOT know if you’d stay with the dude for life if he was all you want in a man? That sounds unbalanced…like she don’t even know what TF she’s looking for in a relationship…She might have a list of traits and qualities, but that isn’t the same as CLAIMING from within–this is the shyt I need! MAYBE, the real deal is she KNOWS it’s more than the stares and jeers from others…maybe it’s the way black, ca-blasian and other non white lookin kids can be mistakenly shot, unnecessarily harassed, stereo-typed as a wanna be thug instead of a banker…maybe it’s that deep, psychological shyt that Kerry Washington KNEW about regarding inter-racial marriages in Lakeview Terrace, instead of the pop fiction shyt Sanaa Lathan experienced in the image shown with this subj……..everyone’s entitled to happiness–but you gotta live some place and be around other ppl some time…….and though you may find a pocket of tolerance here and there…..U gonna find many more pockets of intolerance….in black AND white communities..and that’s b4 you even get out of Brooklyn!
BTW: I think Irish Mami is on point..U go gurl!
beautifully*made
Friday, 7th August 2009 at 3:28 AM
Ok.. im all for finding love, no matter the color… but there is just something about a strong black man willing to be just that.. A REAL MAN!!!
Black women aren’t saying that its hard to find a black man because they feel like talking out of their asses… There are a lot of no good ass black men out here… Shit you learn from experience..
I understand where STSG’s friend is coming from…. You like what you like.. But should she let go of a good thing.. NO!!! Not at all!!!
Its true that a lot a black women have unrealistic expectations…. but after continually dealing with sorry men… you may feel as though you need to raise your expectations to help weed out the bad one’s…
But what sister’s do need to realize is that you cant require things from a man that you dont have yourself… if you want a man with good credit.. fix yours.. want a man with a high paying job.. get your shit together.. its all about the energy that you put out….
irish_mami8
Friday, 7th August 2009 at 6:45 AM
Thanks, DC Man with a plan. At least somebody appreciates my point of view. My big mouth tends to get me in trouble. I find it amusing that even with her college degree, she’s still so confused about men. But then again, what woman isn’t? We should probably cut her some slack.
I can tell you that it isn’t that simple. When I was younger, I was attracted to the black guys at my school, and was even talking to this one. But I was immature and worried about making my parents unhappy. They’re not racist, but not quite as evolved as I am in that regard. My dad still isn’t 100% with the guy I’m dating now, and it’s been close to a year. They were just raised in a different time. It’s not like they dislike anyone based on skin color, but I can tell that they weren’t completely comfortable with the idea that their daughter was dating a black man. At least they have the decency to keep it to themselves.
But I get where she’s coming from. It’s hard, but I think that anything worth having is going to be hard. Otherwise you couldn’t appreciate it. And part of maturity is not caring what other people think. You have to do you, and as long as you’re not out robbing little old ladies or whatever, it’s not anybody else’s business.
I just hope your girl isn’t one of those girls running around talking about how black men aren’t sh*t. (I’ve heard some that don’t say black men, but we won’t go there.) It’s always dangerous to generalize about an entire group of people. But I resent that because I know my man IS the sh*t. And I don’t say that lightly.
I might not date white guys, but I don’t put the whole group down cuz I got a bad couple of specimens. But I’m done. Instead of my two cents, I’ve put like twenty dollars in here. I was just feeling this column.
Single In Atlanta
Friday, 7th August 2009 at 1:41 PM
Hahahah! I actually only date white men now..And I love it! =)
Dc Man With a plan
Friday, 7th August 2009 at 2:41 PM
LMAO @ Irish mami…now U makin me THINK about crossing ova–so I can REALLY hear some static from black women…..Yo, single in ATL–If you like it, I love it! There is NO shortage of black women, so on behalf of ALL brothers–we’re happy to donate some of y’all to the “others.” But can he bring you home and introduce you to the parents and have them receive you as a REAL contender to be a daughter in law? it’s one thing to be somebody’s bun-bun–a totally different deal to be his wife. Holla back when you get one of them to give you a ring………Anywho, black men (unlike black women) have FAR fewer hang-ups about black women dating others bucz there is just a plethora of puzzy out here! Y’all ain’t got nuttin unique, but attitude! Ooops, my bad. See how that feels? It’s not cool to put down one just bcuz you prefer another. Again, We don’t give a flppin period pimple WHO you wanna be with…Just don’t justify it by sayin all the GOOD black men are either married, gay, in jail or not on your economical level. Do you, bcuz evidently ain’t nobody missin you..nobody’s even noticing you’re gone. We got a new crop comin in..white gurls got phatty’s…asian gurls startin to come around….We can afford to give some of y’all sista’s away…lmao……
suga
Saturday, 8th August 2009 at 5:21 AM
Looks like some of you didnt READ what the young lady is looking for so let me copy and paste it.
“SG, think about it. The chances of me finding a guy who is everything that I am–college graduate, middle class, straight, well traveled–and black are slim to none.”
“You really don’t think there’s a black man out there that fits that?”
“Of course but more than likely he is married, engaged, in a relationship or dating a gang of women because he knows he’s the shit.”
She didnt say that there aren’t any good black men out there. She said that the chances are slim to none that she will find a man like her, with the attributes that she has. And she’s right, like because most of the men who are educated, straight, well travelled, are either already involved or arent trying to settle down. Not all, but most.
If she is wrong and there are an abundance of well traveled, educated, middle class Black men who want to get married walking around somewhere, please, please let the world know where there are so the millions of single, lonely Black women can move there.
If there are so many of them, why is it that 70% of Black women will never get married?
Come on, we have to keep it real. Statistics show that with the large numbers of Black women recieving higher education and snatching up professional careers, while large numbers of Black men are either going to jail or killing each other, we will be faced with very slim chances of finding the Black man that we want.
This is why I ‘ve been saying all year long that I want a Chad Wykowski and a Juan Carlos Martinez in my life. But it’s hard to step away from the brothers.
And to the white women saying they can’t find a man either…keep on living. The majority of Black women are going to be single for life. Your stats, however, seem much more brighter in regards to marriage.
100K
Saturday, 8th August 2009 at 8:11 PM
Agree with Dom. no further comment. I know too many women like this.
Dc Man With a plan
Monday, 10th August 2009 at 1:08 PM
@ Sugs…..Though, many comments have focused on a few “key” attributes, your re-posting doesn’t change the basic facts that there are many black men that fit THAT description as well, maybe not where she’s looking, but educated, middle class single men–who travel for business and pleasure are ALL over. The reason 70% of Black women may never get married is an issue that brings up a totally “different” set of facts and circumstances–and I think we’d be better off NOT going there. If a professional woman wants a man who is also a white collar worker, that in and of itself imposes limits and constraints on her pool of eligible men–in ALL ethnic groups. The larger point is if you narrowly focus your view of ‘must-haves” for a mate, you limit your choices–and that’s on HER and you, so don’t start bad mouthing black men bcuz they don’t fit your limited criteria. Success takes on many forms, but when you decide that your man has to have a white collar job before you even know what their heart, mind, passions and beliefs are, you the one coming up short. More importantly, you kinda in a jam. White dudes DON’T marry Black women in great numbers, neither do Indian or Asian guys. Dating–Yes, marriage–no. Hence, yeah, you can easily be part of the 70% bcuz you set the bar so high, none of the men that fit your narrow criteria, regardless of ethnicity–want YOU.
Dc Man With a plan
Monday, 10th August 2009 at 1:55 PM
Remember when it comes to dating, MEN do the asking and chasing bcuz MOST women think that’s the man’s role, so consequentially We get to set the tone, get to determine who we tryin to get with based on MANY factors, but those factors don’t tend to correspond to what YOU as a woman think makes a quality, top notch woman. The perceptions about what makes a good woman differ between men and women but the important view belongs to the man—since we are the aggressor. BUT, I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that White , Black and Asian men find many similarities in what they look for in a date AND what they look for in a wife. We have more views in common as men, than a Black woman will typically share in common with a White man. A great scholastic career that results in a fulfilling professional life with extensive financial rewards doesn’t turn you into a good woman….doesn’t make you a good catch…..Stop trying to substitute a wealth of educational training and financial security for the skillz and temperament a life partner needs to have. Buying a lot of expensive “things” and being a good consumer doesn’t make you a good wife.
Brandon St. Randy
Monday, 10th August 2009 at 3:11 PM
As a black man with an undergrad degree from Morehouse and a Master’s from MIT, I kind of have to laugh when I read this stuff. I’m going to an engagement party and a bachelor party in October (with another friend planning to pop the question next month), and just had to skip out on a wedding in July because I was finishing my thesis. All talented black men. All beautiful black women. Lookit. If your friend was as tight as you build her up to be, she would have black men lining up to wife her. We know quality when we see it, and we go after it. All these women I’m talking about had interest from multiple parties. THEY chose the man they’re with. If the only people who are going after your friend are men who want to play the field or only have “2/3 of the qualities your friend is looking for”, it’s probably because she’s only 2/3 as tight as she thinks she is. Water seeks its own level, people. She should probably stick it out with the white dude, he may be the best thing in the dating store she can afford.
The Lioness
Monday, 10th August 2009 at 7:39 PM
I could never “settle” for a black man, white man, or any man for that fact. I’m looking for a certain things- ambition, humor, intelligence, charisma, honesty, devotion, and the ability to put it down when that time comes. I don’t care what shade these qualities come in but I have always been more attracted to black men. They just have that “UMPH”.
Also, there seems to be this debate about a lack of good black men & good black women. I role with a clique of 6 black females who I can call good black women- cook, work out, advanced degrees, enjoy the d, employed, etc. and we are all single. I read the male blogs and I believer there are good black men out there. I’ve met a few in my day. I think it’s just a matter of our worlds needing to collide. Are we hiding from each other?
The Sphinx
Monday, 10th August 2009 at 8:29 PM
@ Brandon St. Randy -
Where do you hang out, and where do your friends hang out, because I just don’t feel like that caliber of black men are here in Detroit/the Midwest — and if they ARE, they are all walking around like they have a stick up their behinds and/or just don’t go for black women. As Lioness said, maybe we’re hiding from one another. Where would I find an educated, professional – SINGLE – black man.
Brandon St. Randy
Tuesday, 11th August 2009 at 12:05 AM
@ the Sphinx. Actually, a couple of my good friends who are single are from Detroit. They left, along with most of the rest of the talent pool in that city. Outside of Chicago, the Midwest does a pretty bad job keeping forward thinking people period, and especially blacks. It’s unfortunate, but it is what it is. The wedding I was supposed to go to was in Detroit. Her Fiance lived in Philly. That’s where they’re moving.
A Girl
Tuesday, 11th August 2009 at 12:26 AM
I am the daughter of a foreign, German mother, raise up with a foreign family and culture. Consequently, I do not date American men.
My boyfriend is Liberian, as most foreign men are either Asian or African, and Asian men seem to be too shy to approach me or maybe I’m just not what they’re looking for. Anyway, he has been dropping marriage hints every once in a while. And although I love him, like the girl, I have always pictured having children of my own culture – German children. But how many German men are there? I have only met one German man living in America who was not a family member in my entire lifetime! So I know where she is coming from.
However, because I love him I don’t judge him based on job or education. I can hold my own so I don’t need a man to do that for me.
If she really loved him that wouldn’t matter, unless she plans on depending on her husband for support.
likno1uvevaceen
Tuesday, 11th August 2009 at 1:45 AM
Alright lets start with Original Subject since we seem to have gotten off topic here.
The chick that started this whole debate needs to look within herself & see why she believes her children will be any less black because their Father happens to be White or anything other than black. That’s an issue at its core & she needs to talk to a psychiatrist about that.
Next, She is 100% right about the available pool of black men that have similar life characteristics & goals, that are not already married, some are gay, some are just happy playing the field because they know they have a ton of options since too many black women are wearing the cape of desperation on their shoulders.
However, to say that she is lowering her standards if she choses to date a black man who does NOT have the same characteristics as she does is in itself a key indicator that she is better off single until she figures out a little more about who she is & what she indeed wants out of life & love.
I feel sorry for the white male that she is dating because I know too many black woman who would love ALL of him & not be concerned because he is white. In fact as long as he provides, protects, & professes his love for her, we could absolutely care less about what colour he happens to be.
I have dated all colours of men & they all have characteristics that can be deemed as bad or negative. Its the MAN at his core that makes you love, honour, & respect him. There’s no colour in the core. I saw you can’t help whom you love & date WHOMEVER you want.
To all these black brothers talking about all black women have attitudes & unrealistic expectations about what we want in a mate, I ask why shouldn’t we want a mate who can relate to who we are, what we’ve accomplished, where we’re going, & what we want out of life? Now anything less than THAT is settling.
Charlie Barlie
Tuesday, 11th August 2009 at 11:06 AM
“Its the MAN at his core that makes you love, honour, & respect him. There’s no colour in the core. I saw you can’t help whom you love & date WHOMEVER you want.”
Game, set, match…..excellent!
Dc Man With a plan
Tuesday, 11th August 2009 at 11:12 AM
Likno1Ueva….You seem to have hit on what tends to be a major contradiction for the woman who started this dialogue and that is: HTF is a non Black man gonna relate to who you are and understand what you’ve been through–and respect your FAMILIES culture? When brother Bell was killed last year during some mistaken identity B/S in Manhattan, how is your White dude gonna related to racial profiling? I am certain part of this woman’s dilemma is the knowledge that inter-racial marriages are not widely accepted in the Black nor White communities, and though you can live through stares and family and others not being as “comfortable” around your spouse, it takes a toll over time, to ALWAYS be on heightened alert for slights and ugliness. It’s cool when YOU’RE the exceptional negro White folks consider to be one of their own–but if you think you can just plop down some cash to live un-harassed in Crown Heights…U got another thing coming. The bottom line is yeah, love the one you’re with IF they meet your needs and satisfy your desires…but it can be a lonely life when you decide to go against societies cultural norms. Look around and see how many Asian, Indian and White guys YOU see with a sista sporting diamond rings……Then you’ll know what I know…But for real, do you and be happy. I’m all for that. But everything comes at some cost, you just gotta be willing to pay the price.
BrownSkin
Tuesday, 11th August 2009 at 3:38 PM
The guy I’m dating now is Irish.. I’m not dating him because I don’t want to settle for a Black man that doesn’t fit my “standards.”
I’m just trying Something New (like Sanaa)
At this point, an attractive man is an attractive man.. I’m just trying to open up my options.
Tony
Tuesday, 18th August 2009 at 11:42 AM
I think a lot of this has to do with location too. I live in DC, and I am a well-traveled, two-degree holding, straight Black man who many think “dosent exist”. All of my friends in the area who are like me, are single or dating. And I always see brothers on the train with suit and ties on.
But when I lived in Florida I had no friends that even went to college and most were just thuggin.
As a guy I can tell when a woman is bitter or on that hang up about no “good” brothers …..and its a major turn-off. Because before I even open my mouth, sisters already pre-judge and cop attitudes… With that being said I still love my Black queens.
Alaska Made
Wednesday, 19th August 2009 at 12:03 PM
Let’s just keep it simple. If there’s a lot of emotional turmoil surrounding who you should date, then I’d suggest not dating until personal issues are worked out. Developing good friendships is the best path to love not strategizing or fixating on skin color.
Rose
Wednesday, 19th August 2009 at 12:20 PM
I don’t judge people for who they choose to date, but I do give them a crooked eyed look for the reason that they choose to date them!
Love is love! I have never dated a white woman, but if I got to know her and she and I developed feelings, I would be open to pursuing it.
It would be about her and how she makes me feel. Not about what black women lack and I will just try my luck with this white woman.
I see why your friend is part of a growing number of professional women of color who never get married and have a family!!!
Life is short!!!!
Alexxusrob
Wednesday, 19th August 2009 at 12:37 PM
I am so tired of hearing that there is a shortage of ‘good’ black men out here. First off I want to say that color shouldn’t matter if you find someone who you truly love or loves you. That is what’s wrong with the world today-trying to live up to what society thinks is ‘correct’. If God intended us to be with a certain type of race, he would have given each race a different type of sex organ, that way only yours will fit with that race (do you get it? Like a puzzle- it has to fit). Regardless of the color, you have some good men and some bad men. I have dated men from all different types of cultures and they are all the same: men. Many, many years ago I was fed up with getting dogged out by black men, so I started dating outside of my race. I even married a white man, and he was worst than any other black, hispanic, or italian man that I had ever dated ever. He didn’t tell his family he married me, on top of not letting them know about our three (yes, three) children. But as I got older, I realized that I may have missed out on my soulmate because of the narrow-minded thoughts that I had about black men. Black women are missing out on good black men just because maybe they don’t drive a BMW or have that partnership with the largest law firm in the state. There are many good black men out there. I know a lot of women are going to be mad at me for this but ‘we’ are the reason why our black men are turning to other races. We stop doing the things that we did to get the men, then we complain and bitch about the most simpliest things. And Lord forbid if they lose their job-we are outta there faster than you can spell ‘job’. If you want a good man, stop looking on the surface. Your blessing could be that man who walks by your house everyday and tries to strike up a conversation with you, and you look down on him because he is walking.
Alexxusrob
Wednesday, 19th August 2009 at 1:37 PM
Tony, I agree with you. It has alot to do with the location. I am in the panhandle of Florida, which is mostly an area where people come to retire and vacation, and there aren’t really many job opportunities, so you can imagine what ‘jobs’ are booming in my area (street pharmacist, and chemist if you get my drift).
You state that you can tell a bitter woman from the jump. Well the problem that I have with black men is they don’t take me serious. I am 36 years old, but I look 25, so you can imagine what age group I attract. I was married, as I stated before, and I want to find someone to settle down with-a black man-but if I could find someone to look beyond the outside. The first thing a brotha says to me is, ‘oh, you one of them high maintence chicks”. Wrong. Men my age think I am looking for someone to take care of me. It’s real hard. Wrong, again. I was in the Marines for six years, and I currently in school get my bachelors in Criminal Justice.
Another thing I wanted to mention, I agree that I want someone who is going to be 50-50 with me in a relationship. I hate to tell a man that I am this and that because it seems like they stereotype to. Not all women who have ambitions think that there aren’t men out there that would fit her standards. I’m like this: I love a man is knows what they want and will do what it takes to go out there and get it. So what, he’s a mechanic or a server at restaurant? Everybody can’t be a damn lawyer or doctor. I would be satisfied with a man who loves me unconditionally and someone I can return the love to. What happened to the good ole days?
Pharaohs_Sapphire
Wednesday, 19th August 2009 at 4:05 PM
Well, most of the time, I don’t reply I just read but I had to say something. The woman who the original post was about needs to look at herself. You can’t be in it and then say “but what if…” I agree more with the posts by the men and I know that the women may not agree but a lot of what the men are saying is true. If someone wants to date outside their race, that is on them but “settling” for a Black man? That’s ridiculous. I am a single Black woman who some may not consider “professional”, but I take care of me and my family and I love the chocolate and refuse to “settle” for anything else. There was a lot of truth on both sides of this debate but I don’t think its as much about settling as it is about working on yourself and knowing what will make you happy.
Tony
Thursday, 20th August 2009 at 10:04 AM
@ALEXX: We need more sisters who think like you. His bank acct shouldn’t matter, the content of his character should
BTW, I went to FAMU…what school are you attending?
Me
Thursday, 20th August 2009 at 4:32 PM
Tony,
are you originally from MD?
Tony
Friday, 21st August 2009 at 11:12 AM
Yea…why do you ask?
Ms. DJ
Saturday, 22nd August 2009 at 4:49 PM
I don’t think a man should go unnoticed based on their skin color or heritage. You very well could be closing the door on your soul mate. One race is no better or worse than the next. We all have free will and are responsible for our own actions. Go where your heart leads you. Don’t make societies “politically correct” issues your personal issues. You can’t change people but you can change yourself.
I too have had a few difficulties with dating. I own my own home, car, pay my own bills and take care of myself, so the amount in a man’s bank account; his status quo and title are not prerequisites to dating me. However, wearing pants to your thighs exposing under garments and not having the ability to enunciate is not quite what I am looking for.
I don’t just HAVE to have a man in my life to pay my bills, flatter me or take care of me. I would LIKE to have a man in my life for many other reasons that do not involve monetary reward; a seeker of God and an Evangelist, a confidant and a leader, a teacher and a student, a comedian and a comforter, to name a few. Notice I never mentioned have to earn a six figure salary or must be able to buy me diamonds and gold. Neither impresses me.
How about being yourself, be honest, appreciate a woman or man for what they are and stop trying to mold them into what you would like them to be, self evaluate often and most of all show some respect towards each other regardless of color or creed.
So, to you men professing to be a good, caring brother in one sentence and disrespecting and degrading women in the next, you are neither. No respecful man would post such tasteless, offensive things about women of any race. And no I am not a bitter black woman. I am a “Phenomenal Woman”-that’s me (Thank You Dr. Maya Angelou for your legendary wisdom)
WOW
Sunday, 23rd August 2009 at 12:08 AM
Wow, it is a shame to hear some of the excuses some black women raise for dating outside of our race. I honestly feel that the core reason is a self hate and a hate for things black. This is do to several things like living in a white majority society and thinking that anything that is good must be white. Some black women need to realize that they are a significant part of the problem. The women that I know who decided to go interracial, have major personality flaws and could not find a black man that could take their crap. LOVE THY SELF
LaGuan Hayes
Friday, 28th August 2009 at 8:02 AM
I’ve probably written this statement a thousand times: “Every time I’ve met a compatible black female she was dating a white guy.” So, what do you do? By contrast practically every white female I’ve dated never dated a black guy before I came along. Now, I wonder, why is that? On both accounts it is because so many people are stereotypes looking for stereotypes or, as in the case with so many black women, are fed up with the stereotypical black guy: illiterate (unless it’s rap jargon), unemployed, uneducated, uncouth with a bunch of illegitimate children. Or so it seems.
Allison
Thursday, 17th September 2009 at 11:17 AM
I want a tall handsome man that is not cheap. I have dated and ready for a real growing relationship with a real man.
lashaundunbar
Monday, 12th October 2009 at 9:11 PM
i have big loveing haert
lashaundunbar
Monday, 12th October 2009 at 9:13 PM
i have a big loveinf haert. i,am a good and loveing wan
lashaundunbar
Monday, 12th October 2009 at 9:25 PM
i love to sing and i love sex i like man and wan .some man i date be 4 did like that. i sell avon now and i love it i love kide
lashaundunbar
Monday, 12th October 2009 at 9:32 PM
i love god and i want a man that in to god like me
Aquaiz
Saturday, 28th November 2009 at 5:45 PM
I am a white man. Aqua eyes, and thru God’s blessing, a 6’2″ millionaire.
If I were her boyfriend I would dump her on the spot!
Why? No, not because I have many women to date. No not because she’s black. Because, she would dump him if a brotha had only 2/3 of what he has!! That’s crazy!
I would NEVER stay with ANY woman if she was looking to replace me with whatever!
Her BF is a FOOL to stay with her!
Who knows how many other lies she’s telling him!
And THAT is my only hesitation in dating black women!
I keep thinking they would be “settleing” for me…and ONLY because I am white!
How crazy & stupid is that?!
Eric Jenkins
Friday, 4th December 2009 at 9:52 AM
I Have Never Even Considered Being With A White Woman In My 43 Years On This Earth.Even Though I AM Single & Looking At This Time A White Woman Is Not In The Conversation.All My Relationships Have Worked Within My Race & If It’s Not Broken Why Would I Try To Fix It Any Differently.I Can Truly Say That I Love My Beautiful Black Sister.Those Are My Thoughts.
babygyrl
Friday, 4th December 2009 at 11:30 AM
I think that her friend has some issues that she needs to straighten out before dating anyone of any color because she is stringing this man along and as soon as a black man that meets her standard comes along then she is going to dump him and that is wrong, I feel that color should never be an issue when it comes to love, if that man meets her standards she should be happy with him. I disagree with some of the comments, I am a black woman that is educated and is working on my bachelors and masters and my boyfriend is asian and I didn’t date him because of bad experiences with black men, I dated him because we have so much in common, he makes me happy and he loves me whether I am wearing makeup or without it, weave or natural hair, fat or skinny and whether I am bitchy or in a god mood, and that is how it should be. Black men date non-black women all the time but once they find out we are dating non-black men they flip out, I had a friend that has always wanted to date me but we were friends and I would never cross that boundary and he was married to a mexican woman and has dated many non black women but when he found out I was dating a asian man he told me that it is ok for them to date non-black women but not for us to date non-black men and that is a double standard because I never said anything about him dating non-black women because a person can date who ever makes them happy. We get the stares and my boyfriend sees it but doesn’t really care because I am not the only black woman that he has ever dated so he could care less, both of our families support us, I have the traditional black family but my family is very diverse, we have people of many colors in our family and my boyfriend was adopted as a child by a white family so they definitely have no problem with us being together as long as he is happy. We both have been married and to find someone that makes us happy, we are just glad that we met and color was never an issue for us. I have also dated other men that were non-black and they never disrespected me in any way and we are all still friends. So if a person wants to date outside of their ethnic group go for it because you could miss out on true love because you are so closed minded. Never in the bible did God say to never date anyone of another ethnic group because if you really read the bible there were many relationships and marriages of two different ethnic groups. So I am not knocking black men at all but I hear black men doing that to black women all the time and you wonder why so many black women are starting to date outside of their race, if you are going to date non-black women then do that but don’t blame black women because it is not our fault, you do it because you want to. People stop being so closed minded people. God says love everyone not just people of your ethnic group.
roniada
Wednesday, 30th December 2009 at 3:24 PM
You think that there is a shortage of ‘educated, professional black men in USA?’
you want to try looking over here in UK?
I am of mixed parentage, father Barbados, mother white’. I see myself as a black woman, no matter how light skinned i am, every inch of my life is black, father, brother, children ,friends etc. I do believe that if your friend lowers her standards ‘ nothing to do with dating black/white , she will only be unhappy.
Why should she? She has worked very hard all these years, what for ? so some no good man can take it all away. I myself is a professional and single, playing the waiting game, but at the same time having fun, Hold out for what u want sis, cos u know your nubian king will show when your not looking, that’s love for you.
As for the black/white issue, as i mentioned, i am mixed race, and there is not way on this earth i would date a white guy not because he is white, its the reasons mentioned earlier in other comment ‘is he going to drop u like a hot potatoe when his english rose pops along’?
My brothers dated white women when they were growing up, and the abuse i witness, confirmed for me that i will date only my race, wether he be light skinned or dark , no difference to me still a strong black brother.
T
Monday, 4th January 2010 at 5:30 PM
:0) at Single In Atlanta poster!!!
Your friend sounds crazy! Im a black woman who has only dated white guys mainly, since theyre the ones that usually ask me out. You think I really care if I “end up” with a black guy or that I “must” marry one in order to be happy…..Hell no!
Whoever the guy is and he treats me great then yeah thats MY guy, and no he doesnt have to be black.