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Jump Offs Exist (Even Essence.com Knows This)

Do Not Disturb

I woke up this morning to learn that the internet was in an uproar (well just black women on the internet) over Essence.com’s new men’s blog It’s a Man’s World and its debut post “The Truth about Jump Offs” written by journalist/editor Jozen Cummings.

Jozen is a friend and told me about the post before it went up. I jokingly warned him that once it went up women everywhere were going to search to find out who he was. He didn’t tell me about the subject matter but I’ve learned that whenever a man talks candidly about relationships especially sex the way say Naked with Socks On or Jozen does on his new and thoroughly entertaining Until I Get Married, women either become instant fans or haters.

Not surprisingly, Jozen has been attacked by the latter.

Jozen wrote about the rules of Jump Offs aka Bed Buddies aka Casual Sex Partners. Whatever you want to call it, it boils down to two consenting adults having sex with no strings attached. However, just reading the comments  you’d think he’d written about how to pimp a woman out and beat her into submission.

For all the hype “The Truth about Jump Offs” caused, what Jozen wrote and the manner in which it was expressed wasn’t as harsh, raw and sexist as it could have been. Sometimes the harsher the words the more likely the lesson trying to be conveyed is lost. [Originally I wanted to title this “Bitch Please” but decided to soften it up a bit. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.]

The subject of casual sex should be a candid one. If more of us were comfortable with it perhaps there wouldn’t be all this hiding and creeping around. Perhaps we’d feel more comfortable buying condoms at a drug store instead of stealing them (which is why many drug store chains lock them up. SMH!) or get caught up in the moment because we swore we weren’t going to sleep with him and end up sexing without protection.

Let’s say these women aren’t upset with the subject matter but rather the messenger—Essence.com.

Many black women are unhappy because they aren’t being fulfilled, spend way too many nights in bed alone, prayed one too many times to God for a man but aren’t doing the things in their own power to make one want to stay.

Women like these do read Essence and consider it to be their bible.

Why shouldn’t they know about the rules of casual sex?

Should Essence keep them in a bubble?

Are the angry comments coming from women who are delusional about the current state of affairs between men and women in the bedroom?

Lastly, should black women not have sex outside of committed relationships? (Please!)

We women spend the majority of our lives wondering what men think. We buy music by men talking about love and hope that one day a man will say words like that to us. We buy books written by men about finding love and hope that it will bless us with a new inside track. We talk our male friends ears off about our new beaus or crushes; badgering them to death until they say what we want to hear, “He sounds like a great guy. I’m sure it will work out. You’re a wonderful woman.”

Yet, when Jozen speaks on sex so candidly it becomes a clutch your pearls, let’s burn our Essence magazines and hack the website moment.

Let’s keep it funky, the majority of these women aren’t upset about being a J.O. I’m sure they have engaged in some nice mature hot sexy fun. What hurts the most is hearing a man say it and to have your holy grail of the black woman’s experience publish it.

They’re probably thinking, “If I wanted this type of material I’d read Playboy or Cosmo.”

To all of you, I say…get over it.

The only women that are offended by this are the ones that have had it happen to them and were too dumb or “caught up” to realize it at the time. Personally, I think this is a “straight up-no chaser” approach to the situation and that is exactly what a lot of us good women out here in the world need so that we won’t get caught up like the rest of the bitter women who are the jump offs.

Posted by: THE QUEEN 336 | 09/21/2009 at 07:48 PM

Spoken like a woman who is a realist.

Personally, I held a memorial for the term “Jump Off” at the start of this year but I still encourage people to learn how to “Negotiate a Lover”.

Ladies, be real and smart. There are men out there that just want to have a good time. Sometimes you will want to have a good time too. Treating every man you have sexual chemistry with as a potential boyfriend or husband is a recipe for disaster. Standing on a pedestal, waving your “Angry Woman’s Demand for Respect” booklet will get you no where.

If you aren’t engaging in casual sex why judge those who are or want to learn how to?

[Full Disclosure: …Says the Single Girl has a content sharing partnership with Essence.com but you’ve probably never seen her writing on the site because she’s a little too raw for the Essence audience.]

10 Responses to “Jump Offs Exist (Even Essence.com Knows This)”

  1. The issue is one of tone. His tone was male-centric and implied that women have NO AGENCY in such an arrangement.

    He talked about how he treated HIS jump-off without acknowledging that HE is also HER jump-off.

    It’s a standard (black) male view of sexuality — one where women are there for his pleasure, and no mutuality is assumed.

    Mind you: I agree with

  2. Sorry for the double post. Hit submit before I was finished.

    The issue is one of tone. His tone was male-centric and implied that women have NO AGENCY in such an arrangement.

    He talked about how he treated HIS jump-off without acknowledging that HE is also HER jump-off.

    It’s a standard (black) male view of sexuality — one where women are there for his pleasure, and no mutuality is assumed.

    Mind you: I agree with his premise. But he needs to shift his perspective.

  3. Frankly, I just thought the post was wack.
    1. The whole “jump off” conversation is so 7 years ago. Corny.
    2. Grown people who still use the term “jump off” to refer to casual sexual relationships are, in my opinion, immature and yep, wack.
    3. He didn’t really break anything down with those four rules and all but the first one were arguably ridiculous, even in a casual relationship. (even the first one was a bit off base)

    If you want to talk about being real with women and give them the male POV, that’s cool. But to me, what’s real is that it’s okay to engage in consensual, adult, casual sex …no strings attached, or plain “we just f&ckin,” and just let it be that. Attaching silly names and rules to it all just goes against the intended point – to school women – and makes it all seem like a game where the man is doing the playing and the woman is getting played.

    So no, it’s not that people (not just women, I saw men on twitter who didn’t care for the piece) are mad because they’re so-called “jump offs”. It’s not that Essence betrayed its readers by offering a new perspective. For me, it just wasn’t that great of a post.

  4. Your a nasty whore!

  5. lol…Bourgie, IMO, demonstrates anger at the piece (though she says her protest is that it was just “corny” yet she spends a considerable amount of time dissecting a piece she didn’t care for–yet she paid acute attention and likely re-read it a few times, while gathering her thoughts. IT was a man’s point of view and likely there are others who would second his comments, but it naturally, does not mean ALL men feel that way. Seems like a tongue in cheek, cutesy type of article that, none the less, will get some liberated, high and mighty women all ruffled. As if it is expected that every article has to show balance? And we give names to every thing, so why should FWB’s not have their own terms and language? And rules are every where. Didn’t a week ago this blog lists “rules” of relationships? All of a sudden, some women have problem with titles and rules? Some of y’all are too funny. Even if you’re a Jump off…U can still BE the best jump off of ALL times! U can still be ” All You Can Be! ” And if it doesn’t apply to you…Don’t worry: Be happy!
    sheesh….smdh

  6. @DC Man – I think anger is a strong word and doesn’t accurately convey my thoughts or feelings toward the piece. I don’t see why all disagreement or the fact that a person doesn’t like something has to equal being angry, bitter or a hater. I’m sure I blog about stuff people don’t like and you know what, cool. As bloggers we put our opinions and work out there for people to see and, yes, critique.

    Just as you felt compelled to comment on this blog and on my comment, I was compelled to share my 2cents as well. *shrug*

    Oh, and how you came to certain conclusions (that I spent a lot of time on it and needed to read 4 bullet points a few times to decide they were oversimplistic and silly) is beyond me.
    Happy commenting!

  7. I get essence.com updates in my email and as soon as I saw the ad for the article, I deleted it. I agree with Bourgie. Just the title itself came off immature and wack. And it seemed like Essence was stooping. Why is the JO even being discussed in 2009? It just seemed like an old ass topic that maybe should have been dissected back in the 90s. i had no idea there was an uproar, tho, until i logged onto Twitter.

    “Many black women are unhappy because they aren’t being fulfilled, spend way too many nights in bed alone, prayed one too many times to God for a man but aren’t doing the things in their own power to make one want to stay.”

    Black women aren’t doing the things int heir own power to make Black men stay? Wow

  8. @ Bourgie, I don’t see why that is either–but it is, what it is. Your specific words and strain of thought determines how your expression will be viewed and accepted. You spent a lot of time discussing something you didn’t like, which makes no sense unless you’re doing a professional critic. You had points 1,2 AND 3 just for something you didn’t think was good writing? Naw, shortee, that doesn’t make sense. Unfortunately, there is NO one saying I didn’t like it bcuz I’m a jump off…or I didn’t like it bcuz I felt it was an attack on women and I felt personally insulted: those would be honest responses, but instead, what happens is ppl deny their real motives and spend an hour harpin on something tryin to sound ‘resonable;’ Trying to cloak their REAL disdain for something they SAY is not about them, (but MAY secretly feel it IS about them) in reasonable sounding themes. Yeah, right!

  9. who cares about who sleeps with who and how its done…just have fun in life and be safe about it d*mn…

  10. good


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