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I’m No Longer Young and Tender

 

old-maid  

 
There was a time when me and my girls would hit the club with the goal of dancing and meeting cute boys to buy our drinks. We’d prance in 3-inch heels that didn’t hurt, tight jeans that fit like a second skin and shirts that made our boobs sit up and salute. Forget Red Bull giving you rings, we were high on youthfulness.

Fast forward to now.

My 3-inch heels, I can’t stand in them for longer than 30 min increments and they make my knees hurt. Last week I was stopped at the door of a club and refused admittance because I had on sneakers. I was given the option to pay to get in (ladies were free, but since I had on kicks I guess they though I was a lesbo and tried to charge me the men’s rate) but chose to bounce. 

Those tight jeans I used to wear are hanging on the front of my closet door as a reminder of what once was. They don’t get past my ankles.

There isn’t a shirt made that can make my milk bags sit up, but thank goodness for Spanx.

From 19-25 years old I’d jump at the chance to go to the club and don’t let it be a special event like this past weekend NFL draft and all the parities that related to it. This year, I came out of retirement for one night only. What a crushing blow to the ego that was.

Scene 1: The Cluster Fuck at the Door

SG @ 21: “Wow, look at all these people at the door. This party must be jumpin’. Let’s get on line before they shut it down.”

SG Now: “Wow, look at all these people at the door. I’m not standing on line and if I’m not in there in 10 minutes, I’m going home.”

Scene 2: Ladies Room

SG @ 21: “Look at all these chicks in here fixing their hair and makeup. I look better than most of them. I’m sure I’m gonna pull some dudes.”

SG Now: “Look at all these chicks in here, I wonder how many of them have kids.”

Scene 3: The Bar

SG @ 21: “I have $5 in my purse. If I stand next to the bar maybe I’ll have a better chance of having a guy offer to buy me one.”

SG Now: “I have $5 in my purse. Hopefully I can ask for a glass of water without them charging me.”

Scene 4: The Dance Floor

SG @ 21: “Let’s find a spot on the floor where we can be seen, dance and look cute.”

SG Now: “Let’s find a spot far away from the dance floor. If someone steps on my foot or pushes me I gonna lose it!”

Scene 5: Busting a Move

SG @ 21: “I can’t wait to dance!”

SG Now: “I can’t wait to sit down. My knees hurt”

Scene 6: Time to Go

SG @ 21: “Oh, they turning the lights on. I guess they shutting the party down. We’ve been here 4 hours, wow!”

SG Now: “Oh, I’ve been here 45 mins. It’s time to go.”

I didn’t realize the old lady in me had taken over until I spent this past weekend hanging out with my girl, who will die a groupie at heart. She was giving those 23 year old perky titty bitches a run for their money when it came to getting love from NFL players and the like at one of many NFL Draft parties last week.

No matter how old or dignified a woman is, we all have the fantasy of being spotted in a crowd by a man of wealth and power, ie professional athletes and rappers.

He’ll see you standing with a friend, talking and two-stepping. Your eyes will lock and as if he’s floating in a Spike Lee movie, he’ll make his way to you. Some small talk takes place and he insists you two link up after the party to talk some more. He’s rich and isn’t obnoxious about it. He likes that you are smart and sassy and can hold a conversation. You two date, he whines and dines you and gives you lavish gifts. You hit the jackpot.

However, there is a problem with this wishful thinking.

In order to even be considered by these type of men you must be:

- Young & Tender: 25 and under to be exact and naive enough to be wow’d by his lifestyle and the game he spits.

- Flexible: Being able to drop your life at the drop of a dime to catch a plane with him or attend an event is a must. The professional athlete doesn’t hear “no” often. Declining invitations will only make him lost interest. “What do you mean you can’t fly out to Chicago cause it’s Wednesday and you have work in the morning?” 

- Well Groomed: Be Red Carpet ready at all times. You are a representation of him, which means no bad hair days.
This brings me back to my one night out with my girl.

I give her credit, she knew who all the players were, their salaries and teams. She’d spot one and make a mad dash to get in his peripheral. Sometimes it worked, some it didn’t. The fact some players took note of her was a major feat considering there were 4x as many women than men, most of them young and tender. 

By night’s end I had gracefully announced my retirement from the young girl’s game. I had passed that stage of my life and didn’t know it until it was flaunted in my face. 

I am older, smarter and wiser.

Goodbye, Young and Tender.

Hello, Mature and Sassy.

- SG

4 Responses to “I’m No Longer Young and Tender”

  1. I know what you mean its my 2009 year, and I just got tired of going to the club seeing the same old same old…

    I had to let my BFF who is now not my BFF know that I am old, i’m getting ready to me 30 and I dont like going to a place where I have to smell like smoke when I leave or have sticky heels when walking out after 30 mins of checking the crowd… like I tell my fam and friends, I’m just growing up….get adjusted

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