I’m Not a Lesbian, But My Next Lover May Be
I never gave dating a woman much thought. I have imagined what sex with a woman would be like as opposed to my pounding, sweat drops hitting me in my eye, grunting, bed breaking sexcapades with men. For some reason I assume sex with a woman would be softer, longer, more intense cause unlike men, we’d be using our brains during intercourse. But would it really be INTER-course. Maybe it should be called BUMPER-course.
What do I know? I’m not a lesbian, but judging by the weakened state of affairs in the dating game more and more women are considering taking a lesbian lover.
As of now, I do not have any outright lesbian friends. I do have girlfriends who have had girl-on-girl jump offs. What I noticed the most about my girlfriends who lust for women is that they don’t consider themselves to be bi-sexual or gay. They blurt it out in conversation like I knew all along then brush it off when they notice my eyebrow raised. The best excuse they give is “I was in college.” Not all of these relationships are in the past. From time to time, my girls will take a strap on to a chick Pinky style but swear they aren’t gay.
I don’t judge.
In fact, I wonder if I could do what they do. I’ve never been hit on by a woman, wouldn’t know where to find one and definitely don’t want to be immersed in the gay culture. Thanks, but no rainbow flag key chains for me.
If (and this is a big IF) I were to take a lesbian lover there would be some ground rules:
1 – She must be feminine
If I wanted a chick that looks, walks, talks like a dude I might as well be with a dude. At least the hardware is real and not battery operated.
2 – She can be an experimental lesbian
I don’t know what I’m doing so she doesn’t have to know what she’s doing either. I’m not trying to be turned out by any stretch of the imagination. We can charge the whole experience to science and the study of human sexual behavior.
3 – This is not a relationship
There will be no titles given. We can go out to dinner or a movie but to the outside world we will look like nothing more than two friends hanging out. No PDA and no Love.
I definitely need to do some research before I give this whole carpet-muncher situation serious consideration. Aside from figuring out who does what to whom, there is the issues of emotions. I know how I get when I’m pissy, PMS’ing, annoyed, etc with a man, who often times is an emotionless brick wall from which I get no response. Dealing with someone who is one big ball of feelings might be a bit much for me.
All my rainbow boyfriends tell me that lesbians are CRAZY. I once witnessed a lesbian fight outside a trendy restaurant on a hot summer’s night. They both looked semi-feminine, dressed nicely for dinner. Apparently one was the hooked lover, who couldn’t get enough and the other was the one who p-p-p-put it on her but didn’t want her anymore. The hooked one begged for her to take her back. The more aggressive one wasn’t hearing it. Finally some words were exchanged and the “p-p-p-put it on her” chick came with the wicked back hand and laid the beggin’ bitch out.
“See, I told you lesbians are crazy,” said my rainbow boyfriend. “Lesbians love to fight. You can’t take them anywhere.” Hitting a woman or being hit by a woman isn’t my idea of fun.
Now that I think of it, outside of not being able to get pregnant, what would I get out of being with a woman? Not to mention, the vagina isn’t the most pleasant thing to look at. I don’t know how you men do it.
Please understand that I’m not taking jabs at real lesbians who love eating the puss and sucking on titties. I’m straight but might be planning ahead for when the male population is depleted leaving me to get my gay love and pimp slapping on in the streets. I will say this, I’d the “top” and I’d have the baddest chick there is.