Baby, It’s Time To Get New Furniture


Don’t ask me why but I always find myself in situations where most people would flip out. I’m at a friend’s house on the couch, enjoying their cable when it became clear to me that their roommate was getting it “IN” in the other room. Being the person that I am, I simply turned up the volume and kept it moving. Hey, I was watching “Say Yes to the Dress”. There could have been a fire in the apartment and I wouldn’t have moved until the bride to be decided between the Vera Wang and Romona Keveza.

As they got louder and louder, I turned the volume up but there was no escaping — not the sounds of lovemaking — but the squeaky ass bed! With every thrust the bed inched across the floor and landed with a bucking noise. Forget the saying “if these walls could talk”, child if that bed I heard being tortured could talk it’d be begging for mercy.

Which got me to thinking…

When you are with someone, you fail to consider the number of people who have laid in the same spot you have. How many bodily fluids have collected in the fiber quilting of their Sealy. Nor do you think about the number of times someone knocked their head on the headboard or bit the pillow you have rolled under your head as they spoon you.

It’s one thing to be at the mercy of a partner’s bed history when you two are just dating but come marriage, trust and believe, my and my future husband are going furniture shopping.

As the time comes for us to make a house into a home, some things have to happen. Some time before the wedding and after the honeymoon, my husband and I will be moving into a new home. That way no has home court advantage and this union will truly be a fresh start. Either way, these things have to be purchased:

Bed – This is the most important thing to me. Once we become husband and wife I want the comfort of knowing that I am the first and last person to rest my head in this space. I don’t have to wonder what all he did with his last woman on my side of the bed. While we’re at it, throw out all the pillows and bed sheets from our pre-wedded bliss as well. There are some things soap and water can not get out.

Couch – Where you can get vertical has to be thrown out and replaced. I don’t want to be sitting on my old couch watching a movie with my husband and get a flash back to when steamy secret lover X had me bend over the arm rest. Before I know it, I’m back there getting my hair pulled then my eyes get to rolling to the back of my head and my husband is wondering why I’m not watching the movie.

Dinnerware – Throw out all of the silverware and plates. Hell, I’m even down to toss out pots and pans. No need to have any souvenirs of past lovers and how they use to stand in the kitchen in their drawers scrambling eggs in your frying pan.

I think you get the point.

Now, I know it’s an economic depression. What if one of us owns a house and the other rents a tiny apartment? We can move into the bigger space but a complete makeover has to take place. We are painting the walls, switching rooms and possibly knocking down a wall or two.

I want a clean slate.

- SG

2 Responses to “Baby, It’s Time To Get New Furniture”

  1. Seriously though, I did the SAME thing when I got married. And it was even more necessary because he had a wife prior to me and kept a lot of things. The bed had to go, her car, the furniture — oh we got pretty much new everything. LOL. I feel you though. I am not the kind of woman to deal with left overs, especially ex-wife leftovers. Uh.. no no!! lol

  2. Fine if things have to go. Open YOUR checkbook.

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